


Open Your Eyes

by Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)



Series: Ready For The Siege [11]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Asgard, Asgardian Culture, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Dom/sub, Dom/sub Play, Domestic Violence, Domme Natasha, F/F, F/M, Genderbending, Internalized Misogyny, Lady Loki, Misogyny, Multi, Protective Natasha, Sub Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:14:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Ambassador to Asgard, nobility didn't expect Natasha to be much more than a figurehead or diplomat. That very much was not her way, especially not when there was a mystery that needed to be solved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Return to Asgard

Heimdall leveled his golden eyes at Natasha and Loki. Loki was dressed in Midgardian clothes, Natasha in Asgardian regalia. Their packed bags were at their side, though Loki thought that perhaps she hadn't needed to bring her books with her. "So this is your companion, Ambassador Romanoff," he intoned, a faint humorous edge to his voice. His eyes traveled across Loki's form, taking in the pale skin, long wavy black hair, green eyes and sharp features. She still carried Loki's height and sinewy grace, with very feminine curves beneath the loose clothing she wore. "I would not recommend using the name most familiar in this realm. Even a matronymic may not be enough to shield you from the outstanding warrant of execution."

Loki froze, staring at Heimdall. "I give no cause for you to aid me."

"No, you do not. Your crimes against my king and my realm have been great indeed. But if the Ambassador requested your presence, there is reason for such an action. It is my opinion that she rarely does things for no reason." He graced Natasha with a smile. "There is much unrest in this realm, Ambassador. I believe the small waves you have tried to create were not enough to stem the tides."

"That's unfortunate," Natasha replied with a sigh.

"It is," Heimdall told her gravely. "Lord Jogeirr was found murdered on his estate not long ago, and three karls were executed for the crime."

Natasha wasn't familiar with the name, but that hardly mattered. Whispers had progressed to strikes and shortages while she had been in Asgard. Now it had devolved into murder and execution as retribution. "Revolution is coming, then."

"Yes," Heimdall agreed. "Tread carefully. Even I cannot see who is trustworthy in a time like this." His hand went heavily to his large sword. "But we have our oaths and our duty, and we will protect the king and the realm from all harm."

"I will. Thank you for the warning, Heimdall."

He nodded respectfully at her before turning to Loki. "If you are not known as Loki Friggasdottir here, how shall you be addressed?"

She had used Laura and Laurel before, but neither felt comfortable or natural. She hadn't really thought of using a pseudonym on Asgard, but it was truly the wisest course of action. "I suppose I could use Lara while I'm here," Loki murmured.

Heimdall nodded. "I hope this second chance is not squandered, or friends to the realm betrayed as we have been before."

"It's not my intent at all," Loki replied honestly. That appeased the Gatekeeper, who sent them on their way to the palace.

It was odd to walk along the Rainbow Bridge with an escort. Loki remembered racing up and down as a boy, or walking along its length alone and with a deliberate swagger. "Things are dangerous indeed if there is an escort."

Natasha looked at him, corners of her mouth turned down. "There was an escort when I arrived the last time."

"It was not always so in the past." Loki swept her eyes across the golden gates, a stirring growing in her chest at the sight. "I remember many things, but they did not affect me in this way," she murmured softly.

"Because now you can't take it for granted."

"Perhaps."

After a beat, Natasha's lips quirked up in the corner. "Lara? As in Lara Croft, Tomb Raider?"

Loki blinked at her in confusion. "It's a Russian name, is it not?"

"It can be, yes," Natasha said with a nod. "Is that why you picked it?"

She had wanted to be close to Natasha. The distance between them had been great, showcasing how independent Natasha really was. Loki felt hollow and empty in comparison, for all that Steve had tried hard to fill the gaps in her monstrous soul. There were likely thousands of things she could have done or said, but she didn't know what it was.

"One of the reasons. I'm playing at Midgardian, am I not?"

Natasha's eyes flicked to the honor guards, but they weren't paying attention to the whispered conversation. "Did you want to see Frigga right away?"

 _Yes. No. Yes._ Loki bit her bottom lip, worrying at it as the odd feeling in her chest expanded and threatened to choke her. _Mother,_ she thought, longing filling her. It was fierce and sharp, as strong as the longing she'd had for Natasha. "Yes."

"Then I'll arrange for our things to be brought to my suite, and we'll put them away ourselves later. I don't think you want Bera going through your things." At Loki's startled expression, Natasha smiled a little. "They gave me a handmaiden. Royal trappings, and all that goes with it."

"You do deserve such fineries," Loki murmured, worrying at her lip again. She wanted to dig her nails into her arms or thighs, wanted to ground herself in something real as pain. But then again, she was with Natasha again. Natasha was a grounding force, someone stronger than she seemed to be at first glance, one who wasn't merely the sum of her past but someone actively working to create a different future.

"It's convenient, sure, but not important. Not in the ways that matter."

That wasn't a concept that Loki was entirely familiar with, and she pondered it on the way to the palace. It was what Steve was trying to impress upon her on Midgard, though Loki hadn't really wanted to understand it then. She had been a god, had been raised with power and the knowledge that she was better and more suited to rule than denizens of other realms. How could she accept suddenly being less than that? How could she accept herself as she was now? As Natasha sent the luggage to her suite and directed Loki to Frigga's suite, she decided that honor was possibly the closest thing she understood. Fineries were only the trappings of honor and rank, but didn't signify the importance of maintaining it. Of course, her own honor was gone as far as Asgardians were concerned.

Frigga's suite was as spacious and grand as Loki remembered it, overlooking one of her favorite gardens in the palace. There was a spiral staircase that led from the balcony down to the area near the fountain. Walls were done in gold and accented in reds and greens, everything meant to be tasteful and serene. Loki's heart constricted in her chest when she saw Frigga at her desk, reading a scroll. By the decorative knotwork around the edges, Loki knew it to be a work describing the _spá_ that she once tried to teach. Loki hadn't been able to grasp its concepts, no matter how simply Frigga had described it.

Her politely inquisitive expression was painfully familiar and strange at once. Loki was tempted to call her Mother, rush forward and give her a tight hug. She wanted and needed that more than she was willing to ever admit, but Frigga wouldn't take that well from a stranger. And she couldn't kid herself, she was a stranger right now. The months she had spent living as a woman still didn't make her feel entirely whole or comfortable, so how could others feel that way with her? She hung back slightly, anxiety building.

"Has something happened?" Frigga asked Natasha, her gaze sliding over Loki without any recognition at all. That hurt more than it really should have.

"I'd like to introduce you to Lara. Though her real name is Loki Friggasdottir."

Frigga dropped the edge of the scroll, and she rose to her feet. "This is a cruel jest, Natasha."

"Speak with her for yourself."

Heart in her throat, Loki stepped forward. "I've layered spells throughout my body," she told Frigga in Allspeak. "The spells you and Odin placed are the foundation, so I do not resemble the Jotnar, but I am still Loki. Of a sort."

Reaching to touch Loki's face, Frigga concentrated as she stared at Loki's features. Black hair, green eyes, pale skin, sharp features... Any female could have such traits. But Frigga knew the magical signature that was _Loki_ so very well, and her breath caught when she recognized it in the woman in front of her. "Loki?"

"I'm not hunted in this form," Loki replied, switching back to English for Natasha's benefit. "So I could return."

"Do you find solace here after all?" Frigga asked, lips tilting into a fond smile.

Oh. Of course. The last time Loki had been here, he hadn't been allowed to stay because of the execution order. Frigga had to seal all the hidden entrances to Asgard from Yggdrasil, and Loki had lied about never wanting to return.

"I thought to see the world with new eyes," Loki evaded.

Frigga's smile was knowing and kind at once. She gestured to the table and had Loki sit across from her. "Tell me of the transformation, then. It is quite complicated spellwork."

Natasha moved to the balcony, looking out over the garden in order to give them a modicum of privacy. Loki started describing the layering of the spells, carefully avoiding _why_ she had done it in the first place. Her reasons were tangled things, confusing even to her, and she had realized in Natasha's absence that she had left herself even more vulnerable in this form. But she wasn't ready to leave it yet; it was easier to be a woman, easier to fall into emotion and sentimentality, easier to move about without the massive walls and defenses she had to maintain as a male. It seemed impossible that Natasha could be as strong as she was; as much as Natasha had wanted her to learn how to be stronger willed, Loki hadn't learned how to do it.

When Loki's eyes kept straying to Natasha's silhouette on the balcony, Frigga smiled knowingly. "You love her," she murmured in Allspeak.

Loki's attention snapped back to Frigga and her expression slid into a glower. "I'm a monster, remember?" she replied in Allspeak, pain evident to her own ears. "I'm incapable of love."

"Oh, Loki," Frigga sighed. "Of course you're capable."

"You don't deny I'm a monster," she said tightly. Though she still spoke in Allspeak, Natasha turned at the sound of her voice. There was no expression on her face, no hint of what she was feeling in her eyes. Loki could feel the gaping hole in her chest grow wider, and she almost feared falling into it whole.

Frigga reached across the table to touch Loki's arm, and she stiffened at the touch. "We never wanted you to feel different, Loki. You must understand that. You are part of our family. You _are_ important to us."

"A bargaining chip. An artifact. Something to be used as you saw fit."

She withdrew her hand, and Loki's heart sank. No, she hadn't wanted that to be true, even though she knew it was. Loki had been counting on Frigga to lie, to give her comforting platitudes and boundless love, to chide her for being so very foolish, but there it was. Even Frigga couldn't lie about that any longer.

Her heart—or whatever passed for one in the emptiness inside of her—was breaking.

"You don't understand, Loki," Frigga began softly. Her eyes were downcast, and Loki stared at the intricate knotwork on the borders of the scroll so that she didn't have to see Frigga's expression any longer. It didn't even register immediately that she had switched to English. "I'd lost a child, and you lost your family. You became my son."

The Jotnar feared magic. Asgardians mistrusted it if it was too complicated. Most Midgardians thought it was simply a fairy tale. Who knew what other worlds thought?

"I am not your son," Loki said, though his voice sounded raw and pained.

Frigga looked up at her, lips quirking into a smile. "No. Now you are my daughter. All you feared regarding the _seidr_ doesn't matter any longer."

But no, that wasn't right, was it? Was it?

"What of the people?" Loki asked. "Are the karls so fearsome that an honor guard must squire about royal guests? Has the Allfather lost control of Asgard?"

Something hardened in Frigga's expression. "Do not question your father."

"He is not, is he? He is simply the Allfather to me, ruler of Asgard, the one that put the order of execution on my head. There's no more use for me here other than as a cautionary tale, another reason why the _seidr_ must be confined, must be controlled." Loki's lips pulled back into a snarl. "Isn't that true?" She thought of sneering _Mother_ at her, but her heart was breaking too badly. If she said that, if there was any scorn in that title, she would collapse and cry, never to stop again.

"You are _not_ a cautionary tale," Frigga hissed, rising to her feet. Loki shot to hers, and she caught a tremor in her hands. She clenched them into fists and tried to keep control over her restless body. "You have been gone from this realm, Loki. There are matters at work that you do not know, you cannot understand. Do not condemn Odin for the choices he must make." Frigga's voice dropped. "He is King, and there are more considerations that must be taken into account. It is not his desire alone that must be listened to."

"He desires me dead."

"He does not. But you committed high treason, Loki. Your crimes are innumerable and against multiple realms. It cannot be ignored."

Loki looked at Frigga with empty, lost eyes. "I am what you made me, _Mother."_

Frigga reacted as if slapped, stepping back from Loki. Loki wanted to cry, her eyes burning and hot, her throat constricting and her chest tight.

"And on that note," Natasha said firmly, coming in and taking Loki's arm roughly. "Time to go."

Natasha all but frog-marched Loki out of the room, Frigga looking after them with a lost expression. Loki wanted to scream or cry, wanted to curse her for what she had done when he had been a boy. She wanted her to deny it. She _needed_ Frigga to deny it, to say that Loki wasn't a monster, hadn't been shaped to be such a horrible thing, it was all a misunderstanding. But Frigga couldn't, could she? 

"I told her the same thing," Natasha said quietly a few hallways later. Loki was startled that she had lost her bearings in the palace, for all that she knew where everything was. Everything felt familiar and strange at once, perhaps because she was female now. "I told her she had shaped you into something different, that she couldn't simply wash her hands of guilt. Prejudice and blindness and magic and good intentions... There's a saying. 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' Trust me," Natasha said as she finally slowed down and let go of Loki's arm. "I've seen many roads like that."

"I trust you," Loki whispered hoarsely.

"She didn't take it too well then, either. And Odin liked it even less."

"You actually told them what you thought?" Loki asked, incredulous.

"Of course I did," Natasha replied, a haughty edge to her voice. "They needed to hear it, and they didn't invite me here to bat my eyelashes at them. They wanted information about you, and they wanted to think they could coerce me into controlling you."

Loki's breath caught. Hadn't that been what Natasha was doing?

She rolled her eyes, not noticing or not responding to Loki's response. "They really think they can control everyone. Arrogant and extremely misguided."

"They don't control you," Loki said in a broken whisper.

Now Natasha snorted outright. "Of course not." The corner of her lips quirked into a familiar and sensual smile. "Just like you have never really controlled me."

"I'd argue that point, _little spider."_

Giving Loki a hard shove that sent her stumbling, Natasha proceeded to walk down the hallway with her head held high. "You know the rule about that name, _Lara."_

"Do the rules even apply here?" Loki asked, brows knit as she hurried to keep up with Natasha.

"Of course they do. They _always_ apply until we mutually decide that they don't any longer. Location doesn't matter."

Sweet relief poured through Loki, and she couldn't help but grin at Natasha's back. "I don't wish to relinquish the agreement."

"I didn't think so. We're heading to my suite," Natasha informed her. Her lips quirked into a smile. "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by where it is."

Curious, Loki followed her through the halls in the section of the palace reserved for royalty and those held in extremely high esteem. Natasha pushed open a grand set of double doors and went inside, so Loki followed her. She looked around the suite that Natasha had been assigned and was duly impressed. "You did get a prized location. Quite the coup, Natasha."

She made sure to lock the doors before going to the desk in the bedroom. "It suits my needs."

"So modest," Loki said with a smile. She watched Natasha start to remove the throwing knives she had strapped to her forearms, then the dress. Reaching for her, Loki let her fingers trail down the rise of Natasha's breasts as the outer robe was removed. "So beautiful."

"There's no magic in this room," Natasha said, letting the outer layer fall to the floor around her in a whisper of heavy embroidered silk. "And even though the walls are stone, I'm sure there are ears listening at all times."

"Such is the nature of the palace."

"If you want to do more than look, I suggest silencing spells around the bed."

Grinning almost maniacally, Loki proceeded to do just that. The spells were layered one over the other, a thick weaving that would be nearly impossible to undo. It was so much easier than it used to be, something that made her almost want to giggle and show off. There was so much power caught inside of her, pulsing along with her heartbeat. If she could just become more like Natasha, if she could turn Natasha to her purpose, Loki could do _anything._

Turning to preen for Natasha's benefit, instead her lips parted at the sight of Natasha standing in front of her wearing nothing but a sheer linen kirtle, her feet bare and hair falling in curls down to her shoulders. She looked ethereal, as if she was the goddess and not Loki.

Not even realizing she had stepped forward, Loki gathered her up in her arms and kissed her, mouth hot and open with need. "It had been too long," she growled against Natasha's lips, one hand cupped around a breast to fondle her through the fine fabric.

Natasha returned the kiss with equal fervor, making Loki's heart sing with wonder. Had she been missed as well? Oh, she would never say such a thing, the tough assassin domme, but Loki had occupied her thoughts far too often before. Why wouldn't Natasha miss Loki?

They stumbled backward toward the bed, falling into the enchanted space that would keep their secret. Loki let out a moan at the feel of Natasha in her arms, real and whole and touching her back, nails scratching through her clothing. The sensation of her was heady, making her breath catch and desire pool deep in her belly. Loki turned their bodies so that Natasha was trapped beneath her, moving to kiss her mouth and neck as she held Natasha's wrists down over her head. Loki's other hand continued to stroke her breast. After a while she shifted her position on the bed to suck on Natasha's breast through the fabric while keeping her wrists down. Natasha hooked one of her legs around Loki's waist, keeping her there, which made her hum happily.

Loki moved her hand to slide it down Natasha's thigh, pushing the kirtle out of the way. She shoved the fabric up and over Natasha's waist, then pulled back to kneel beside her on the bed. "I can use my magic on you here, yes?" Natasha nodded, her kiss swollen lips full and lush. "It's been too long," Loki nearly moaned, feeling herself grow wet as she looked over Natasha's body sprawled beneath her. "I want to taste you, and take you until you scream."

Natasha gave her a sultry smile. "Do your worst, Loki."

Challenge accepted.

Magic unspooled from Loki's body, catching hold of Natasha's and pinning her down spread-eagled in the center of the bed. Loki ripped the kirtle from her torso, the fine fabric parting easily and leaving her skin bare to Loki's gaze. She descended right away to lick at Natasha's folds and clit, using her magic to fill her quim with a full, thick cock pounding into her. It was wonderful to hear Natasha moan, a throaty low sound that told Loki that she was truly feeling the pleasure that she was giving her. Loki licked into her at intervals, then at her clit, the taste of her like wine. Her hands grasped Natasha's thighs or ass, pulling and pushing her in order to delve deeply into her body and make her cry out.

She could see Natasha straining against the magic, wanting to pull against it and run her fingers into Loki's hair, pushing her face right up into her clit. Loki laughed and sucked on Natasha's clit, making her magic push deeper into her quim. It was enough to make Natasha arch her back and groan loudly as she came. Loki thought it was interesting that she generally didn't have much of a filthy mouth during sex, and liked the idea that she did it purely for Loki's benefit. There was something flattering about the idea of Natasha going out of her way for Loki's enjoyment.

Loki didn't stop, wanting to hear Natasha mewl and whine when she was on the edge of oversensitivity, wanting to have her begging. But at the same time, she wanted to feel Natasha touching her, wanted Natasha's mouth on her, too. She took her mouth from Natasha's flesh and watched her chest heave as she struggled for breath. Moving swiftly, Loki positioned her own wet quim over Natasha's mouth and stretched her body out over hers so that she could still lick Natasha's clit. She ran her hands over Natasha's thighs, skimming her nails lightly over the sensitive skin. At this point, there were no words necessary, just the delve of tongue into slick folds and the heady scent of desire. Natasha knew how to pleasure her, even in this form, and Loki knew the touch that worked best for her.

Once the delightful shivers wracked her form, Loki let go of the magic bonds holding Natasha in place. She grasped Loki's ass and sucked hard on her clit, making her gasp and press her cheek against Natasha's thigh as she struggled for breath. "Natasha," she gasped, voice fracturing into a moan of pleasure. Natasha slid a finger into her quim, then two, and Loki shut her eyes as she let out a wail. "More, please, Norns, please, I missed you." Loki was _this close_ to actually saying "my love," but managed to stop herself in time.

Natasha sucked harder on her, then slid another finger into her. Though the angle for her wrist had to be painfully awkward, Natasha started thrusting her fingers in and out. Loki clenched down hard around them, whimpering and moaning, clutching Natasha's thighs tightly. She had to cheat and use her magic to stroke Natasha's breasts and clit, pinching lightly and bringing the same pleasure to Natasha. Loki cried out when she came, her body convulsing slightly before collapsing down on top of Natasha. She didn't resist when she was pushed over onto her back, and Natasha straddled her waist, leaning over her. "Was that your worst?" she asked with a smirk, looking as though she could still continue to fuck Loki over the edge of sanity.

Loki couldn't help but laugh, and pulled her down for a filthy kiss. "Perhaps I'm out of practice."

"I'll say," Natasha replied against her mouth. "I expected more from you."

She rolled over on top of Natasha, arms and legs tangled together. "You don't like it when I use magic on you."

"Oh, I liked your use of it tonight just fine," Natasha purred, sliding one of her hands along Loki's spine until she caught her about the neck. She pulled Loki down for a kiss, then grinned up at her. "I didn't bring along any toys, after all. I figured there wasn't any need to risk awkward questions about them."

"But without your arsenal..."

"I get to use my imagination."

 _Oh._ That sounded unbearably filthy, and Loki had to grin. "There are those that would consider you unnatural," she said as the grin slid from her face.

Natasha didn't seem concerned at all. "I know and I don't care. Let them talk." She pulled Loki down for another kiss, soothing her frazzled nerves. "I know the truth."

"And that is what?" Loki asked. She was almost afraid of the answer.

"That you're mine. Isn't that so?"

Loki's heart sang at her declaration, and she grinned at Natasha, feeling as if her soul would burst. Strange how she used to fear such ties, that she would mistrust them as bindings that would strangle and harm her. With Natasha, Loki felt comforted, protected from herself and her wild excesses. "Oh, yes," she said in a pleased purr. "Yes. And you're mine."

When Natasha didn't deny her claim, Loki grinned even wider, teeth flashing in the dim light of the room. "Are you so quick to publicly state that claim? Have them stare and point and whisper, call you unnatural or strange? Are you ready for the remarks, Natasha?"

She hooked a leg around Loki's waist and pulled her close. "The important question is, are _you?"_ she asked seriously, hands running along her back. "I can handle just about anything. Can you?"

"You think me weak?" Loki asked, nearly snarling in anger. Never mind that she herself wondered if she was weak and sometimes thought she was. It was a different matter for Natasha to think such a thing. Loki couldn't bear that.

"I think you've grown comfortable on Midgard. You might see this as home, but you've changed too much, and this place never does. I don't think you fit in here even a little bit." No emotion in her voice, no inflection to tell Loki how she felt. "I think if you let it, Asgard will break your heart and you won't recover."

Loki thought of falling from the bridge, sinking into the abyss, shattering on impact. Oh yes, it would break her heart to be cast out again, to be relegated to the darkness. Natasha was as uncomfortably perceptive as always.

She bowed her head and let her forehead touch Natasha's. "If I have you, I could."

Natasha's hands traced the slope of her spine, making her shiver. "Then we'll see how it goes."

No promises, no easy consolation. No, that wasn't Natasha's way. But she would stay with Loki, and that was perhaps the most important fact of all.

***

_He begged and begged, nearly screaming at the unbearable pain currently coursing through his body. He couldn't bear the thought of his beloved going through this, the terrible pain on the rack and the tools that disfigured her beauty. "I'll give you whatever you want," he promised, knowing it for the lie it was. "Money, food, anything..."_

_"Because you're so very trustworthy," his torturer sneered. "Because you've kept all of your promises to us before."_

_"I will this time. You've proven your point! You mean business now!"_

_The torturer laughed, a harsh and unforgiving sound. He held a red hot poker in hand, freshly pulled from the fireplace. It cast eerie lights and shadows across his face, highlighting the scars across his cheeks. "We've always meant business. You just never wanted to hear it. But now the rest of them will."_

_The rest of them? If ever he thought he might escape, that comment just dashed his hopes. He screamed and pulled at his restraints, but he had been half starved and tortured already. His mind was close to the breaking point; seeing his wife's battered and broken body had been too much to bear and had taken the fight out of him. She had always been the epitome of beauty and grace, the height of Asgardian ideals. He had done everything for her, everything, spared her nothing, given her every comfort in the Nine Realms._

_And now she was dead. And soon enough, he would be, too._

_The shadows behind his torturer seemed to part. A strange creature stood there, a golden staff in hand with a blue jewel in it radiating light. "Begin," the creature told his torturer. Only then did he notice that his torturer's eyes were the same blue as the jewel in the staff, and that there was almost an absent gaze behind the sneer._

"We all have a part to play," _the karls had said when he was seized from his bedroom the night before._ "Time to start singing a new tune."

_When the poker met his flesh, it was almost a relief to scream, almost a relief to let loose the last fetters keeping his sanity in place._

***  
***


	2. The Investigation Begins

Bera was absolutely scandalized to see Loki sprawled naked in Natasha's bed. It was obvious what they had been doing together, and she hissed at Natasha urgently. "You can't let anyone know you do this!" Her green eyes were wide with panic. "No one suspects, what with the attention Lord Fandral's paid, but if you reveal this, you will be ruined!"

Natasha stretched, unconcerned. "There's the training and the sparring to ruin me," she replied, sliding out of bed. She was still gloriously naked, making Bera squeak. "If taking people of either gender to bed is what makes them ignore me finally, so be it. It's my first full day back, I really could care less what they think." She walked over to the wardrobe, aware of their eyes on her as she rifled through it for an appropriate dress. "Did the Queen schedule anything for me yet? Or have invitations come?"

"Lady Gilla has her usual one," Bera said, sounding a bit suspicious.

"Yes, I'll have to visit her," Natasha murmured, going through dresses.

"There's the _sjaund_ for Lord Jogeirr this afternoon. You didn't know him, but would still be expected to attend since he was a jarl."

"Wait," Loki said, sitting up abruptly. Bera looked in her direction, then away when she realized that Loki was naked as well. "Those are done a week after the death." She looked to Natasha in alarm. "With the flow of time as it is, why would Heimdall have you arrive _now?"_

Pulling out a dress of dark indigo shot with gold, Natasha kept her lips compressed tightly together as she contemplated that. "I think it's because he knows I'll have my ears open for whispers. This is probably the first public death, but it likely won't be the last."

Bera looked at her unhappily. "Do you really think so?"

"Heimdall mentioned that karls were executed." Bera nodded in confirmation. "Do you really think that those deaths would go unanswered, too?"

She sank down to the edge of Natasha's bed with a sigh, not seeing Loki's scowl. "Oh, dear. I thought that when the karls weren't being drawn into the war after all, things would get better. We wouldn't have to be afraid of what the jarls were planning."

"You'll have to catch me up on all that I've missed while I was away." Natasha pulled out a new kirtle and slipped it on, then started strapping her knives to her arms. It was fluid and natural; to her, she had only left Asgard three days ago. "How long has it been since I left?"

"Three months, Natasha."

"Time is such a slippery thing," she said with a sigh.

Bera looked from Natasha to Loki, then back again. "What _are_ your intentions this time around? Last time it seemed like you were just getting accustomed to our ways..."

"I think that it all depends on what happens here," Natasha told her truthfully. "There are lines of communication that are expected between our realms, and I've left messages with those I work for on Midgard to collect ideas for trade. That should help increase the flow of materials here for the karls, but the tension that was here before is worse now." She gestured between herself and Loki. "This is the least of the problems you're likely going to see, let's be honest."

"I suppose..."

"What? Do you think I'm going to hurt her?" Loki snarled.

Her tone startled Bera, who leapt off the bed in her fright. "N-no..."

 _"Lara,"_ Natasha admonished, voice like a whip crack. Loki stilled, hardly even breathing, her eyes wide. "Jealousy doesn't suit you. Stop it." She turned to the desk and reached for her thigh holsters. "Bera, I'm sure you've heard about something like this before."

"Well..."

"Out with it," Natasha ordered, looking up to temper the command with a smile.

"I had an aunt that cared for children in the village. She didn't live with her husband, it was in name only to merge families. She had a friend that visited a lot, and always said she was happy with the life she had."

"Was she?"

"She seemed to be," Bera admitted. "My uncle wasn't a very nice man, so no one thought it was a strange arrangement."

"Think of this like that, then. Lara's staying with me, no need to find separate rooms for her. If someone seems to have a problem with it, direct them to me or say it's some kind of Midgardian custom. They'll believe that."

"No one actually knows anything about Midgard," Bera agreed. "I can arrange for another wardrobe brought in, robes befitting her status..." Her brows furrowed as she thought of all the things she would have to arrange to make Loki's stay more comfortable. As much as she might not have personally thought a sexual liaison was proper, she wasn't about to neglect her duties because of it.

Finishing with her thigh holsters, Natasha started putting on the indigo dress. "There was unrest when I left, but now people are dying. Tell me everything I've missed," she instructed, sitting down so Bera could do her hair. She pointedly ignored Loki's pout at being left out. Natasha had bigger issues to deal with than her ego.

***

The _sjaund_ for Lord Jogeirr was held in a large building made of stone and steel, richly decorated tapestries on the walls. He was a lesser jarl, and Bera had explained that most of the lesser jarls would be in attendance, as well as higher ranking karls he would have associated with, mostly crafters and artisans. The farmers and herders would be too low ranking for a jarl to associate with, and the unacknowledged thralls would never be invited. Tankards full of the specially crafted funeral ale for ritual drinking were in front of everyone in attendance. The dead man had been a widower, with two married daughters and one young son who would inherit his entire estate following the _sjaund._

Loki had a dark blue robe wrapped around her body over the Midgardian clothes she had brought with her. She was dressed in keeping with the lesser jarls in attendance. Natasha's indigo and gold gown was respectful and beautiful, but clearly set her apart as a greater jarl. She smiled in all the right places and said all the right things to convey her condolences upon the heir, the young Lord Bausi. He was barely of age to run an estate on his own, which was whispered about the hall, but none would say so to his face. His older sisters and their husbands would likely aid him if he didn't have a trustworthy steward.

"Did something happen to Lord Jogeirr's steward?" Natasha asked, making sure to sound more confused than she was. "I would think a great household would have one."

"I don't think he had one," Lord Brekki answered. His homestead was relatively close to Jogeirr's, and his property was largely used to raise cattle. "I've only had business dealings with the man himself. Anyone with a steward would let them do the bargaining for him."

Unless he didn't trust the steward. After all, it was a position of some rank in the household, and if Jogeirr couldn't trust any of the karls in his employ, he wouldn't want to elevate any of them into that role. He would work them in the fields, but as far as the gossip could tell her, he kept as few karls as possible within the actual house. "Did he not trust them? From what I understand, they're an important part of society."

Brekki snorted. He wasn't nearly so stuffy and self important as the greater jarls she generally associated with, but that was possibly because he did actual work on his own estate and didn't trouble himself overmuch with social gatherings. The _sjaund_ was one of the few social events that seemed to be universal; formal unions, weddings, birth announcements, and festival days were of interest as well. The balls, musicales and parties for the sake of being seen that were so prevalent with greater jarls didn't seem to be part of the lifestyle for most of the lesser jarls. Some of the lesser jarls hoping to elevate their station tended to follow that aspect of society interactions.

"Lady Natasha," he began, managing to avoid sounding completely condescending. "I understand you and your companion are Midgardian, and I applaud you for trying to understand our ways. Midgard is such a wild, fractious place, from what the tales say. But karls do not run Asgard, do they? They form the backbone of Asgard, certainly. They are the hands and feet and spine of our realm, but it is the jarls that rule. They are the heart and mind, directing the karls where they need to go and what is important."

Natasha ignored his comments about Midgard and zeroed in on the comments about the karls and jarls. "What about the karls here? Would they stop by to pay their respects to Lord Jogeirr today?" she asked.

This question was greeted by laughter. "Jogeirr was not one to inspire fondness in his men, Lady Natasha. He ruled his karls, inspected the work, and urged them to work harder. I doubt my own karls would think kindly of me when I pass on to the Otherworld, but I believe they might at least show respect when it happens. Jogeirr was not a kind man, and I suppose his family thinks themselves better off now."

"Oh? I've never met him," Natasha murmured, dipping her head in that way she had seen the noblewomen do to inspire men to keep talking and feel self important.

Brekki was just as susceptible as greater jarls. He launched into a history of the man and his family, of course focusing on his son, father and grandfather. The family was well known in the area as hard task masters, with the view that most karls on their lands were in need of discipline and guidance. "Karls on my lands are not as ill tempered," Brekki boasted. "Reminders aren't so frequent, and little more than increasing the tithe on crops for a year or two."

"That would worsen their living conditions, wouldn't it?"

"Only briefly," Brekki replied with a negligent wave of his hand. "It's an important reminder for them to keep to their work, get their duties done, honor the law. Some simply won't if you don't take a firm hand. Like children that way."

Loki had remained silent through all of this, drinking the funeral ale and letting Natasha direct the conversation. "Did they hate him?" she asked, curiosity in her tone. "For putting them in their place, I mean?"

"Hate's too strong a word. Jogeirr was harsh, but fair. He followed the laws. The three that killed him paid for this crime, at least. They won't receive an honorable burial, let me assure you."

"So what happened to them?"

"Hung in the square, of course," Brekki replied. "Crows have already started picking at them. They're still on the scaffolds, and will be there for another week, actually. Not a noble death, but they didn't give Jogeirr an honorable death, either. They took him from his bed and tortured him before beating him to death."

Natasha and Loki exchanged a glance, and Natasha made a clucking noise. "Pity."

Brekki nodded. "Not that Jogeirr would have reached Valhalla anyway, as he was no warrior. But at least he would have died in a more noble fashion."

"That can't be a very common thing for Asgard," Natasha commented, pasting a concerned expression on her face.

"No, it's very rare. Jogeirr is the first such death in centuries. Even missing persons are rare, so when he disappeared, it was cause for gossip."

"Anyone else go missing?" Loki asked, leaning in close.

"Well, there's Lord Engmarr and his wife, but they tend to keep to themselves on their two estates. I'm sure they simply went to their other one a few days ago."

Natasha and Loki exchanged another look; she absolutely wanted to check out their estates as well as Jogeirr's. As she took a breath to reply, she caught Lord Falki and Lady Gilla entering the longhouse. "I'm sure you're right. It's just too odd for there to be disappearances like that," she said in a soothing tone of voice. "If you'll excuse me."

"Of course," Brekki said graciously, moving to greet another guest he knew.

"What is it?" Loki asked, frowning slightly.

She didn't answer, but approached Lady Gilla once Falki detached from her side and moved to talk with one of his business partners. Gilla stood too stiffly for Natasha's comfort, her eyes darting every which way. While she seemed glad to see Natasha, she made no move to approach her. That also wasn't like her at all.

"Gilla?" Natasha asked, getting another mug of the funeral ale. "Did he hurt you again?" she hissed under her breath.

She was pale and almost didn't answer. "It was a preemptive reminder," she said finally, taking the mug from Natasha. There was a slight tremor in her hands, and she drank deeply from the mug. "I can't shame him here in public."

"You would never..."

"It's an excuse," she snapped. Seeing Natasha's expression, she sighed. "I'm sorry, Natasha. His business isn't going well. Trade dried up, the fields aren't being worked, and he blames Konrad for not having enough sweetmeats on the table."

"Or he blames the other karls," Natasha guessed.

"Yes," Gilla agreed unhappily. "The past two weeks have been horrid."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here..."

"There's nothing you could have done," Gilla murmured, shaking her head slightly. "Given me some distraction, perhaps," she said with a playful smile, "but Konrad was there for that, too."

"I'm glad you have him," Natasha replied, meaning it. She stepped closer and gave Gilla a tight, supportive hug, and a kiss on the temple. Her tongue flicked out very briefly to touch her earlobe before she stepped back. "You can send invitations any time, all right?"

Gilla's eyes flicked toward Loki, who stood beside Natasha with an almost possessive air. "Are you sure about that?"

Natasha rolled her eyes at Loki. "Yes, Gilla, I'm sure. This is Lara, my friend. She came with me from Midgard. We have an understanding."

"I thought we did," Loki intoned darkly as Gilla nodded knowingly.

"Very well. It will be good to try to recapture a social season. The disappearance and death cast quite the pall, as you would imagine."

"I'm sure it did. One of the other jarls mentioned others have gone missing..."

Nodding, Gilla sighed. "Lord Engmarr and Lady Helga aren't at either of their estates. Lord Thorin is missing, and Lady Lagaertha was supposed to have come calling this morning. It's just as well she didn't, but..."

"But it can't be a good sign," Natasha finished.

"Exactly. It's such a small network, really. There are only so many good Houses," she said to Lara as explanation. Natasha smiled encouragingly; Gilla wasn't the type to be jealous as Loki was, which was a rather nice change. Natasha didn't like having to deal with Loki's more mercurial moods, and she had to focus on what might be going on.

"We should probably get going, then. We don't want Falki to suspect anything untoward," Natasha murmured. "Be careful, Gilla."

"You too, Natasha. Being Midgardian will only protect you so much."

"Believe me, I understand."

Once outside the longhouse, Loki didn't bother to hide her glare at Natasha. "So you decided to bed others while I was exiled to Midgard."

"Get over yourself," Natasha hissed. She allowed herself a small measure of satisfaction at the dismay in Loki's eyes as she backed up a half step. "I have shit to do, and you already know some of the means I get information. Before you say another word, decide if you really plan to help me while I'm here, or if you're only going to get in my way."

She watched dispassionately as Loki sucked in a ragged breath before saying "I'll help" in a small, chastised voice.

Natasha nodded and let her expression soften. "All right, then." Loki just needed a swift kick in the ass periodically, and then she fell back into line. "Make us invisible. I want to search Jogeirr's home for myself. I doubt Asgard pays attention to forensics."

"Considering I have no idea what that is, I'd wager not."

There was the familiar weight of magic settling over her skin, and Natasha could barely even make out the outline of her own body. "All right. I have a vague notion of where the estate is."

"I can find it for you," Loki murmured beside her. "I should give you language spells, so that you understand the Allspeak."

"That would be helpful," Natasha agreed. She should have asked for a spell like that before coming to Asgard the first time around. Once the magic settled into her body, she reached out and grasped Loki. "There. Now let's go."

The longhouse wasn't too far from Jogeirr's estate, and none of the doors were barred. Most of the populace in the outer areas of Asgard didn't believe in locks. There might have been a heavy bar levered into place, but it was usually granaries or storehouses that were locked. Homes were felt to be protected by staff members.

"He likely wasn't killed here," Loki murmured as they entered Jogeirr's home. It was silent, almost eerily so, and she shivered. Natasha slid a hand down her spine in silent support. "He was taken out of his bed, they said. Those fools would have said if he was killed here."

Natasha nodded. "I gather he was found elsewhere, and those three karls hung were the ones that they said killed him."

"While you were talking, I was listening to others in the crowd."

"And?"

Loki paused as she led Natasha throughout the house. "Two of the three didn't even struggle when the noose was slipped around their necks. One stumbled when he was shoved, hit his head on the support beam. When the executioner dragged him back to his feet, he started screaming that it wasn't his fault, he wasn't the one in control."

The words sent a chill down Natasha's spine. She'd heard that before. "And then?"

"They put the noose on and hung him just the same."

It was to be expected, really. Justice in Asgard was fairly cut and dried. She followed Loki into the master bedroom. "You can tell me if anything that should be here is missing."

There was nothing missing from the bedroom where Jogeirr was supposedly abducted while asleep. It was his study that seemed to be of more interest; the books were missing, and he took care of all his own business. They would have remained in the study for Jogeirr's son to learn from now that he legitimately inherited all of his father's assets. "Someone wanted to make sure they had knowledge of what Jogeirr owned. The boy would know of the house, the storehouse, the fields... But there must be something else he would have owned."

Loki thought for a moment. "All of the karls knew he controlled everything and kept track of it himself. But he was a widower. What if it was something _she_ owned?"

"Women only really own jewelry, unless there are no other legitimate heirs." Natasha looked around the room. "There's no indication of what his wife was like. Nothing of hers seems to be in this house." Natasha looked around again, thinking of why a woman's entire existence might be erased so thoroughly. There were really few reasons why an Asgardian male might hate his wife, and even infidelity wouldn't invoke this kind of response. "Women can use magic, but that doesn't mean that it's really accepted, is it?"

"No," Loki murmured, voice soft. "It's rarely accepted."

"So maybe that's why there's no sign of her here. But maybe there was something of hers left behind that he didn't realize was magical in nature, and he was killed to try to find it."

Taking a breath, Loki extended her senses to feel the contents of the house and grounds. "I think there might be residue left in the cellar."

"Then let's get to it."

The cellar was mostly empty, but there was a hidden door in one wall that would have been underneath the barn. Loki opened it easily, and stepped inside the room. There were scrolls in jars, tomes spelled to remain inviolate to time, and small jars with various things Natasha didn't recognize in them. "Not very good at the _seidr,"_ Loki muttered, looking around. "Self-taught, I think. Trying to work simple spells for the household, I assume." She opened up one tome. "Oh, _this,"_ she sneered, putting it back. "For crops and healing, quite rudimentary. It's hardly anything noteworthy. No, this wasn't why Jogeirr would have been killed. Those really working the _seidr_ would realize very quickly that he knew nothing and his wife was playing at shadows. This is incidental, not the reason for his death."

"Then what would be the reason?"

"It's got to come back to the karls and the missing ledgers."

"What would help determine it is finding something at any of the other homes," Natasha said, looking around the room. "If there are other attempts at _seidr,_ then maybe it's someone getting rid of faulty practitioners. Or someone with a vendetta against magic."

"If there's no whisper of magic, then it's purely motivated by greed," Loki said with a nod, starting to leave the secret room. Natasha followed and shut the hidden door.

"If we can track down the homes of those three karls, that might be of interest."

"They wouldn't have been so stupid as to kill Jogeirr in their homes."

"No, but there would be clues as to where it might have happened and why." As well as possibly giving Natasha a clue as to why one of them would say he was controlled.

Loki sighed. "Karls are simple, Natasha."

"They can kill just as well as a jarl can," Natasha replied with a shrug. "If anything, they'd have more reason to and more opportunity to hide."

Considering that, Loki nodded. "All right, I can see that. Most jarls wouldn't care to know where they live or what they do outside of the necessary work." She started heading out of the house, Natasha quick to follow. "Perhaps the three dead men were not so simple."

"Think you have more interest in what I do now?" Natasha teased.

Startled, Loki began to laugh. "Well, there's only Asgardian society in the balance. The stakes make more sense to me than which silly agency claims supremacy on your world."

"Well, then. Let's see if we can save Asgard."

***

The three karls had nothing of interest in their homes, though moving invisibly through their part of the village did appeal to Loki's sense of the perverse. No one could see her or Natasha, though subconsciously they moved out of the way. Now that Natasha could understand Allspeak, she listened very carefully to talk in the village or between family members of each karl. Loki didn't see what was so interesting about one of the wives complaining about how often her husband used to sneak out of the house, though she supposed Natasha would see that as a clue. There was no sense of magic about their homes, only the weariness of families now tainted by shame. They had next to nothing in the house, eking out paltry meals from the scraggly garden beside the house and the handful of grains in a mostly empty storage bin. It was pathetic, and Loki could understand why the men would kill Jogeirr if it led to more food in their bellies. That it hadn't meant that their entire expedition was a failure.

Even worse, neighboring jarls had started to tighten restrictions on the karls of their estates, adding curfews, taxes and limitations on movement between villages.

Loki didn't want to admit that traipsing about with Natasha was fun, even if nothing came from it. It reminded her of the days when she was a young boy, getting lost underfoot when not in studies with Frigga or the weapons masters. Loki had perfected the cloaking and invisibility spells as a child, sneaking through empty corridors in the palace or heading out into areas of Asgard that a Prince of the Realm would not be expected to go. Natasha moved quietly and stealthily, much in the same way that Loki was used to. Thor used to bumble about and crash headlong into things, not planning ahead too far.

"Have you heard of Lord Engmarr and Lady Helga?" Natasha murmured, sounding frustrated at the end of their search. "Gilla said they aren't at either of their estates. That seems like a better place to start looking."

"Do you really think you'll find anything noteworthy?"

"Jarls don't disappear without a trace here. Karls could, but not jarls. This doesn't feel right, Loki," Natasha said. Loki could imagine the impatient shake of her head, the way her jaw would tighten with frustration. "The jarls don't notice anything going on with the karls until their pretty things disappear from the shops. So if it started with them, whatever this is, it could have been going on for a very long time."

"You're assuming anything is going on at all."

Now her sigh was evident. "This place is static. The people are proud of nothing ever changing, everything being exactly the same for millennia. It's similar to Norse culture, and I've read a few translated eddas some time ago. Simply disappearing is not an option. There are too many people around for that to work. I'm sure even our absence is notable."

"Heimdall probably knows where we are." Loki tried not to feel upset about that, though she had been able to slip past his watch several times before her exile.

"Loki, if Heimdall knew where these missing people were, he wouldn't have bothered to mention missing persons," Natasha reasoned. "They wouldn't be missing as far as he was concerned. But something is happening, enough for him to notice an absence."

"I still don't follow," Loki admitted. "It's a few lesser jarls, whatever number of karls. Asgard is a populated, prosperous place. It's the height of civilation, the bastion of peace among the Nine Realms," she said, a measure of sarcasm in her tone at the word _peace._

"So who would gain the most from it no longer being peaceful?"

Loki blinked, silent and surprised. "It's not that bad," she murmured after a moment, though she didn't really believe it herself.

"Jarls disappearing, one found brutally murdered. Karls hung. People starving and disparaging one another." Natasha snorted. "I know you read up on human history because you were bored. What is this pointing to?"

"Revolution," Loki whispered.

"Exactly. So someone is going to a lot of trouble to make the traditional unrest worse. Someone is going to a lot of trouble to destabilize the natural order of things. It might be a few lesser jarls and whatever number of karls, as you put it. But it feels like more than that to me. It feels like a trial run for something." Her voice was as emotionally flat as Loki had heard it when on missions before, which paradoxically felt comforting. This was what she did normally. She would be able to figure out a puzzle like this, and it was a better use of her resources than flitting around social circles and subtly flirting with the aristocracy.

Loki didn't want to think of the denizens of the universe that would want to bring Asgard to its knees. There were many enemies against the realm, if only because of its position as guardian of the Nine Realms. She had her own brushes with near-immortals hell bent on its destruction, and her hand went to her chest to rub at her scar tissue self consciously.

"All right. I don't think we'll find much at either home, but we'll look into Engmarr and Helga's disappearances first," Loki murmured. She sighed a little and picked up an ankle to roll it around a bit. "How do you manage to walk so much in heels, Natasha? This is positively torture."

Natasha laughed, a sharp, bright burst of bubbling laughter. The sound of it curled inside of Loki's chest and made her smile in response. She wished she could see the sparkle in her eyes and lilt of her lips, though imagining it sent a wave of heat right to her groin. "It's a talent, one I've cultivated for a very long time. I'm not very tall, you know. No matter what culture, height is one of those things that leads people to being intimated."

"I may have used that myself," Loki acknowledged with a smile.

"Oh, I noticed," she returned dryly. Loki could imagine that sensual smile, and her heart fluttered in her chest. Stupid body. Natasha reached out and caught her arm as if Loki was still visible. "If it's really bad, we can go tomorrow, wearing sensible shoes. You're tall enough you don't really need the heels."

"You don't have plans tomorrow?" Loki asked. "Nothing set up with Gilla?" she asked, jealousy evident before she could stop it.

The hand on her arm tightened in displeasure. "Be nice, Loki. You'd be surprised what people say around servants and lesser jarls."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you were royalty. And let's face it, you still have moments where you think ordinary people are beneath your notice." All right, Natasha had her pegged correctly there. "The others here have a similar outlook on the lesser jarls and karls. So it's just a matter of cultivating a few informants to learn what they hear."

"And you've bedded her. I saw how she looked at you, how you touched her."

"And?" Natasha asked, an imperious tone in her voice. "If you're in a lecturing kind of mood, save your breath."

That hadn't been her intent at all. It was more that Loki didn't know where her place would be in Natasha's life. Would she fall into a category of less than useful contacts? Was she nothing more than a burden? Did Loki offer her _anything?_

"No lecture," Loki murmured, dejection driving away the earlier thrill of desire. "But you wouldn't need me for that."

"There's the stupid social scene to work around," Natasha replied, "as well as trying to restart my training routine from before. But we ought to be able to take a look at those homes and see what they look like. Asgard isn't as big as other realms, so we should be able to find them. If not alive, then at least where and how they died. From there, we ought to be able to figure out why."

"So sure you can solve the riddle?" Loki asked, fascinated by the confidence in her voice.

"It's a question of pulling apart peoples' motives, what they value. The process is the same, whether it's a Midgardian or Asgardian."

Was that how she had figured Loki out so well? The thought was disconcerting.

"And if you can't?" Loki asked, almost dreading her answer.

"I keep going until I do," was Natasha's brisk reply. "Come on, then. Back to the palace with you if you can't keep up."

Loki sighed. She couldn't wear the same kind of heels that Natasha did, so some new clothing styles were in order. She wasn't going to let Natasha out of her sight if she could help it.

***

_Somehow, he was still alive. He hadn't expected that._

_For the moment, he was alone, and for that he could be grateful. Everything ached, and even breathing hurt. Nothing relieved the pain, and he didn't think he could move even if the door to his cell was unlocked and wide open. Both legs were broken, and the myriad cuts on his arms likely damaged something important; his fingers didn't quite move the way he wanted them to, and certainly wouldn't support his weight if he crawled._

_He didn't have a name any longer, just a wordless, high-pitched scream in response to any questions that might be asked of him. He had been here for far too long, though a distant corner of his mind told him it was less than a week._ There's no need for him, _the creature in the shadows had said, voice like the hissing of a serpent. The glowing blue crystal in his staff cast odd shadows, and the karl in his control wavered, bloodied knife in hand._ I have other things for you to do. Others will need to be obtained. _The shadowy creature smiled, graying skin and sharp teeth like the stuff of nightmares._ I'll even let you pick out who the next one will be, and you can help if you follow directions. Not like the last ones.

_The last ones. He vaguely remembered comments about others getting caught, about the crows having a feast at the gallows. But that was logical thought, and it slipped away from him when he tried to hold onto it._

_He remembered_ her, _though. The way her blonde hair curled, her blue eyes lighting up when she smiled. It had been a match arranged by their parents, and he had never thought he would actually care for her. But she had been perfect in ways he could never be, and trying to be the husband she deserved had made him a better man. She made him kind, softer around the edges, not so quick to harm or lash out. She didn't try to change him, he just wanted to keep seeing her smile at him. He actually loved her, deeply and truly, the way the songs and poems talked about that he used to scoff. She was worth becoming a better man for, worth being more than just an angry, haughty landowner. Household staff even joked with him after a few years of marriage, and the people in the village didn't scurry out of the way._

_She was dead now, eyes lifeless in her skull, hair lying limp and matted with blood. Her body had barely been recognizable, and his torturer had done terrible, horrible things to her body before the life fled. He hoped she died early on, that the torturer continued to mutilate a corpse, but his mind was only too happy to give him scenario after scenario of his beloved screaming and writhing in pain, looking for him to save her._

_And he failed. Miserably. He was even a failure at dying._

_He was so tired, so exhausted. It hurt to breathe, to think, to remember. It helped that time and sense and names skittered away from him when he tried to grasp them. He didn't want to remember. Didn't want to think on his failures. He tried so hard, and for what? To be left in a dank cellar unable to move, afraid to think on his family and the estates he left behind? To be nothing more than a puppet's plaything?_

_Oh. Wait... Was that a shard of glass?_

_Broken bones and torn ligaments grated as he pulled himself closer, a smear of blood left behind across the filthy stones._ Please, _he whispered, a prayer to gods that no longer existed and wouldn't hear him even if they did. He obviously had been forsaken, though he didn't even know why. He offered money and jewels and positions of power within the household, all of which was turned down. It wasn't what his master wanted, it wouldn't help the overlord's plans at all. The karl would want it, but the karl's wishes didn't matter anymore. He wasn't in control, didn't have a name of his own either. The jarl wasn't even sure if he was really alive inside his own body anymore, or if he had succumbed to madness as well. He was just a tool, to be used like any knife or poker or sword._

 _He_ reached, _needing to feel the glass. He needed the fractured edge, needed to end this all. A quick cut, relatively painless after all he'd gone through, and it would be over. He could rest. He could see his beloved again, see her smile and hold her close. Helga deserved better than this._

_A painful breath, numb fingers, a sharp edge just out of reach._

_He sobbed. So close, but not enough._ Not enough. Not good enough!

_Footsteps on stone. Hitch-step, hitch-step. That was new, damage in his torturer, and he started to laugh. Silly, stupid, useless knowledge._

_He looked up at the shifting shadows, saw his torturer now with a blacksmith's hammer instead of a poker and knives. The blue glow was in his eyes, a vacant expression on his face as he swung the hammer._

_He laughed and laughed. We're all just puppets, aren't we?_

And then the hammer came down.

***  
***


	3. Appearances

Natasha looked at Loki critically as she undid the layers of robe and dress. Her movements were slow, almost creaky as she removed the soft pants she wore. "Hey. C'mere," she said, gesturing for Loki to come to the bed.

Loki's full lips quirked as she moved to comply. "I can't believe I'm even saying this, but I'm not in the mood for you to take me to bed."

Laughing, she gestured for Loki to come closer. "That's not what this is about, Loki. Being a domme isn't always about sex. It's about giving you what you need."

She frowned as she sat down on the bed where Natasha indicated. "What do you mean?"

"It isn't just about sex. Yeah, that's sometimes what you need. Getting off is fun, it clears the head, you have a moment where you don't need to think." Natasha pulled Loki's feet into her lap and started to methodically rub one of them. "But it isn't always sex. It's taking care of you, of knowing what you need and giving it to you."

There was a soft whimper as Natasha worked into a sore spot on the ball of her foot. Natasha gave her a soft smile, and Loki sucked in a breath. "And with my sore feet, this is how best you can care for me?" she asked softly.

"One of the ways," Natasha murmured, still working on her foot. "You see, I also knew that in our deal, you needed the appearance of being dominant."

"Appearance!" Loki cried, jerking her foot. Natasha held on tightly, pressing her thumbs into that sore spot and making her hiss. "It was no appearance."

"Of course it was. Haven't you figured it out yet? The difference between when you take control and when I do?"

Loki frowned at Natasha. "There's the mode of sex, I suppose."

"Oh, please. Haven't you been listening? It's not about the sex."

As much as it obviously galled her to say it, after a while Loki sighed and said "I don't understand what you mean."

"I know. When you take control, you fuck me senseless. It's not about what I need, it's about making me come. Those times are giving _you_ what you need, giving you the sense that you control me, that I'm the helpless human at your command." Natasha kneaded the arch of Loki's foot as she froze in place, confusion on her face. "But when I'm in control, I give you peace that you need. I give you that moment where you don't hate yourself, where it doesn't matter what will happen next, because you know I'll take care of you. You trust me implicitly then, that I'll know what to do, and you don't have to hurt anymore."

"Yes," Loki whispered, sounding almost ashamed.

"That's being a good domme, Loki. That's why you're not very good at it, honestly, and why as much as you'd like to rule a realm someday, it won't work out. Because if you can't take care of one person's needs, how can you take care of millions? Billions?" Natasha leaned back a bit and switched to Loki's other foot as she shivered, eyes falling to Natasha's hands in shame. "It might not fit the culture on Asgard, but elsewhere there's no shame in admitting where your limits are. There's only so far you can push them, really."

"I was a prince. What else do they do but rule? And you say I'm not capable."

"Not as you are, no."

Loki's eyes shot up to Natasha's serene expression. "You think me capable, then?"

"When you grow the fuck up," Natasha replied matter-of-factly. Her smile softened the sting of her words, just as she knew they would. Loki was in a vulnerable state, more suggestible than usual. She probably wasn't used to merely following around and paying attention, leaving her more exhausted than usual. "You're already better at keeping your temper."

"You would hardly consort with me if I hurt you again," Loki huffed.

"And it's nice that you stopped with the gendered insults and rape threats or attempts." Natasha dug into a sore part of Loki's foot, making her hiss. "Perhaps in this form you understand why that isn't a very nice thing to do."

"I wasn't trying to be nice to you then," Loki pouted. "I didn't like you. I was angry with you. You _hurt_ me and you didn't care."

"And at that point, you'd already killed innocent people and taken over the mind of my friend," Natasha replied, voice even. She didn't even take pleasure in the wince Loki made when she dug into the sore spot again. "Did you really think I'd like you or thank you for that?"

"You never answer when I ask you why you uphold this bargain with me," Loki said instead of answering. The answer was obvious, anyway. "Why would you do such a thing if I hurt you so much? If I am so evil?"

"I have answered. There's something between us. And I think you should have the choice about what to do next. Do you try to make up for the evil you've done? Or do you spit in the face of those who would try to help you if you asked for it?"

"I'm a monster," Loki murmured softly, eyes falling from Natasha's. She could only assume it was her internalized hatred and shame again. "I'm not capable of good. I try, but I fail at it."

"You're just learning what good is, Loki," Natasha murmured. "And even if you are a monster, which I find debatable, that doesn't mean you don't still have a choice. Monsters aren't always mindless creatures, you know."

"Of course they are," Loki disagreed. "Even your precious Bruce Banner, his monster simply destroys things."

"You really weren't paying attention three and a half years ago, were you?" Natasha scoffed, letting Loki's foot drop into her lap. "He destroyed _Chitauri_ in the city. Yes, there was some damage to buildings, it couldn't be helped. But he didn't go after them deliberately. Even before that, in Harlem, he destroyed buildings but it wasn't for the sake of destroying them. He wasn't an animal. He was trying to contain and stop the Abomination."

Loki frowned, processing this. "Banner doesn't like his other self."

"Do you like yours?"

Surprised, Loki jerked and stared at Natasha. "What do you mean?"

"You see yourself as either a charmer or a monster. You can't see yourself as both, that you simply are who you are, capable of being whatever the occasion calls for it. That's what I've been trying to tell you with the ledger concept. You're capable of more than just monstrous things. You aren't _only_ the boogeyman they all make you out to be."

Unbidden, tears sprang to Loki's eyes. "Why are you so kind to me? I gave you no cause for this, no reason to care for me."

"No, you haven't."

"I would give you a world, if I could. But I don't know what you want of me."

"Sure you do. That you find peace."

Peace. That seemed to startle Loki, and Natasha felt she had pushed the goddess far enough. She pushed off of the bed and went to the bathroom, starting a scented bath in the decadent tub. "You can come in with me, if you want," she called, pouring in the scented oils. Other cut crystal bottles sat around the edge of the large tub, a claw-footed thing made from stone and glazed with a stylized floral pattern. It was large enough for three people to fit into comfortably, rather like a small Jacuzzi without the jets.

Loki paused at the entrance to the bathroom, appearing uncertain. Natasha didn't think she had rattled her that much, but she could be wrong. In some ways, Loki seemed almost more fragile as a woman. Perhaps because now she wasn't trying so hard put on a tough façade.

"It's all right," Natasha murmured, starting to remove her dress and kirtle. She stood at the edge of the tub, gloriously naked, and started to step into it. "Obviously, it's large enough to share. And we've done a lot of walking today. It's been a long day. Time to relax."

There was a soft sigh that escaped Loki as she entered the bathroom, shedding the last of her clothes. Natasha thought it was a rather relieved sound, that Natasha wasn't saying these things to her in hatred. She leaned back against the stone and shut off the taps, letting the water soak into her muscles. It was just shy of too hot for comfort, and Loki winced a little as she stepped into the tub as well. Natasha pulled her in farther, making her gasp and whimper, and let Loki lie with her back against Natasha's chest. "There you go," she murmured when she felt the tension leave Loki's body. "That's it."

Loki whimpered a little, her hands on Natasha's knees. "Your touch..."

Natasha skimmed the fingers of both hands across Loki's stomach. "What about it?"

"I desire you," Loki whispered. "I think I always will, no matter what form I take."

Leaning her head forward a little, Natasha nipped Loki's earlobe. "What do you propose to do about it, then?"

"I desire you," Loki whispered again. "And I need you, Natasha. I need _this,_ whatever this is between us." Her breath caught when Natasha moved one hand to cup a full breast and the other to juncture of her thighs. "Would you have me? Would you keep me?"

"I've already told you," Natasha replied, shifting her head so that she could take Loki's earlobe between her teeth and tug gently. "You're mine."

"Please," Loki whimpered, her hands tight on Natasha's thighs. "Take me."

"Take you where?" Natasha teased, bringing the fingers of her right hand to brush against Loki's dark curls. "You're too sore to keep walking around Asgard right now."

"N-no," Loki stammered, shimmying around a little. Natasha didn't play along with that, refusing to pinch her nipple or slide her fingers into Loki's center. "Fuck me," she whispered, letting her head fall back against Natasha's shoulder. Her eyes were shut and her breathing was shallow. "Please, Natasha. I want it so much."

Natasha pinched her nipple sharply, making her cry out. "Do you think you deserve it?"

"I don't know," Loki murmured, eyes still shut. "I try so hard, but I don't know if it's good enough to please you. I want to please you, Natasha. I want you proud of me." Her voice broke, and tears slid out from beneath her closed eyelids. "I don't know if you can be."

Stroking her breast with one hand, Natasha slid her fingers along Loki's folds with her other hand. "You try so hard, Loki," she purred, knowing the voice would send her into paroxysms of desire. She smiled and pressed her lips against Loki's temple as she slid two fingers inside of Loki, the heel of her hand rubbing against her clit. "I like that you try for me."

Loki whimpered and lifted one hand to reach behind her to touch Natasha and stroke the back of her head. "Are you proud of me?" she asked, her voice breaking.

Natasha kissed her cheek and stroked her breast at the same time she started sliding her fingers in and out. "Yes, Loki, I am." The words made Loki open her eyes in relief, her body sagging against Natasha's. The expression on her face was utter vulnerability, and for a moment Natasha was frightened that this was going to go too far. Loki had evil tendencies, could be selfish and unthinking and downright cruel. Loki had committed atrocities without even thinking about it, destroyed without any concern about the consequences.

And she was also very, very broken. She was like the lost souls that once populated the Red Room, vying for the attention of indifferent and even crueler masters.

Throwing her leg over Loki's, Natasha drew it to side, giving herself easier access to finger Loki and pump into her slick heat. Loki whimpered and writhed, her body draped across Natasha as if she could melt inside of her. Natasha listened to her whimper, alternating the rhythm and angle of her thrusting fingers. She stroked and rubbed Loki's breast, working her until her cries reached a crescendo indicating she came. Even then, Natasha didn't relent. "You try to be so good for me, don't you?" she said softly, feeling Loki shiver in her arms. Her fingers spasmed, but she was careful not to tug on Natasha's hair or scratch her. Good girl. Ignoring her gasps and moans, Natasha kept pumping her fingers, adding a third just to get Loki squealing in pleasure. "So I'm being good to you, too," Natasha purred. "You'll come again for me, and again, and as many times as I want you to."

Loki nearly sobbed, her entire body shaking against Natasha's. "Please, Natasha," she begged, eyes shut and breath coming in short pants. "I... Please, please," she begged, writhing and jerking her hips erratically. "Tell me... Tell me what to do. I need you..."

Natasha had long suspected that the need had become vital to Loki's wellbeing; why else threaten to take apart Helheim if she died? Why agree to shadow her and do whatever Natasha might need to get a job done? Why else be jealous of others in her bed?

"I'm here," Natasha murmured. "I'm not going anywhere. This is just for you, for being so good today, even when I knew you wanted to destroy something to keep it from being boring."

"I... I wouldn't have. You wouldn't like that," Loki panted, writhing in her arms. Natasha could feel her clench down on her fingers, body tightening from the pleasure.

"Do you always do what I want?" Natasha taunted playfully.

"You won't be with me otherwise," Loki whined, arching as Natasha dragged her thumb across her clit. "Oh, please, there, that," she begged, gasping. "Please, Natasha, by the Tree, I want to touch you so badly..."

"Then come for me first," Natasha purred, smiling against Loki's cheek. The goddess squirmed and panted, trying to grab the sides of the tub rather than dig her nails into Natasha's thigh. She nearly screamed when she came, body falling limp afterward. Natasha slowed her thrusts to bring her down from the edge, then helped Loki turn and kneel in the tub to face her. The heat from the water and the two orgasms gave her pale skin a pink flush, and Natasha leaned forward to lick Loki's lips. "I like how you look."

"Wh-what?" Loki asked, dazed.

"Fucked out and still ready for me," Natasha clarified, giving her a sultry look. "So why don't you show me how ready you are?"

"Oh! Oh, yes," Loki cried, lips stretching wide in a delighted grin. She surged forward in the tub to catch Natasha in her arms and kiss her thoroughly, water sloshing over the edge and spilling everywhere. Natasha couldn't help but laugh against her mouth, but Loki didn't seem to take offense to it. She wrapped one arm around Natasha, hand catching hold of the edge of the tub, and the other caught one of Natasha's breasts. She abraded the nipple with her thumb, making Natasha gasp a little at the contact. That would please Loki under some circumstances, but at other times Loki liked her to be louder. Loki was too busy shifting her kneeling position in the tub so that her thigh was caught between Natasha's. Laughing again, Natasha tilted her hips to test the friction. Mmm, that felt nice. Loki eagerly deepened the kiss and shifted her weight slightly, rubbing herself against Natasha's thigh.

"Is this how you'll fuck me?" Natasha asked against her mouth, reaching up to grasp a fistful of Loki's hair. Her other hand firmly clasped Loki's ass, pushing her to rut faster.

Loki groaned and moved to press her lips against Natasha's temple. She rubbed her clit against Natasha's thigh, her movements jiggling her thigh against Natasha's clit. Natasha shifted and wiggled her hips, adding to the friction. Her breath quickened, and Loki moved to kiss her again, mouth hot and open against hers. For a moment, it almost sounded like Loki said "I'm not fucking you," but Natasha's breathing was too harsh in her ears to be sure. Loki came first, then slid her hand down Natasha's torso to tease her clit with her fingers. "I want to hear you," Loki gasped when she was able to speak. "I want your cries of pleasure."

Natasha mewled a little louder and let her hands tighten on Loki's ass. "More, then," she moaned, throwing her head back. "And harder."

Only too eager to comply, Loki rubbed her clit harder and faster, shifting against her slightly so that their breasts rubbed against each other. Natasha let her head fall back against the edge of the tub, eyes sliding shut so she could focus on the feel of Loki's fingers working her to fever pitch. She gasped and moaned the way Loki liked to hear it, spreading her legs wider to allow better access. She didn't have to feign anything when Loki slid a second finger inside her, thumb working her clit. Natasha moaned, breath hitching. "Like that," she directed, moving one of her hands from Loki's ass along her back. She reached up as high as she could then pulled Loki by the hair so that she could kiss her. Like this, it didn't take too much longer for Natasha to come, a soft languor settling into her limbs.

Loki curled up around her, and Natasha slung a possessive arm around her shoulders. "Mmm," Natasha murmured. "And the best part is, so much easier to clean up when you have sex in a tub." She laughed a little along with Loki. "Tomorrow we've got more exploring to do in between whatever luncheon and musicale I'm expected to go to."

"Would I come with you?" Loki asked, sounding almost afraid of Natasha's answer. She was too tired to try to figure out why.

"Of course. You're my companion here." Natasha smothered a yawn. "All right. Let's drain the tub and go to bed. Long day tomorrow."

Natasha didn't question why Loki was so agreeably submissive with the suggestion.

***

Sif eyed Loki with a measure of distrust, but there was nothing obvious for her to object to. "I have not heard of you before," the warrior said, eyes narrowing slightly as she took in Loki's feminine appearance. She was in the same skirted and comfortable yet form fitting clothes that Natasha wore to spar, hair pulled back into a high ponytail that swung as she walked.

"I'm a more recent friend. There had been some difficulty on Earth with a mission that I helped with," Loki replied sweetly. Once upon a time Sif had been a comrade, someone that Loki had been able to talk to, fight with, spar with and confer about the ridiculously silly antics that Thor and the Warriors Three could get up to. Loki missed that.

Shrugging, Sif turned to Natasha. "It's good to have you about the palace again."

"Why? Have more jarls or karls gone missing?"

Waving that off as irrelevant, Sif shook her head. "I'm sure there are none truly missing, for Heimdall sees all. No, I meant being the only true female warrior here. It is good to have a comrade at arms."

"Lara's good with a blade, too," Natasha offered. "Knives, especially."

Loki flashed her a smile full of teeth. How did Sif not recognize that smile? "Of course. You remember our play with them, don't you Natasha?"

"And how you cheated," she replied brightly, lifting a wicked looking blade that Loki had never seen before. "But don't worry, Lara. I've gotten even since then."

"If you say so," Loki purred, enjoying the confused look on Sif's face. Did she really only see the obvious? How could she take Loki at face value and not realize that the Loki she once knew was in there?

Then again, Loki had originally thought changing into a woman would solve her problems, creating herself anew. It was her interactions with the other Avengers that had proven to her that she was still ultimately the same. So why didn't Sif recognize her?

Loki pushed the thoughts out of her mind as the three of them worked out a sparring pattern. She liked the look of Natasha and Sif fighting with knives and short swords; her gut clenched at the thought of short swords in general, and her thoughts skittered elsewhere. Like waking in Natasha's bed and being able to lick and suckle her breasts or fondle actual flesh, not just pillows and sheets that smelled like her. She was a sad, sad creature, but only where Natasha was concerned. Loki didn't know what this meant for the future.

Something like recognition almost seemed to bloom in Sif's eyes when it was their turn to spar with knives. It wasn't the blades she usually favored, but the ones that trainees usually received to practice with. She hated the balance on these, but apparently her movements were familiar enough to arouse some kind of suspicion. Loki was delighted and terrified at once; Sif was unfailingly loyal to Thor and Odin. Would she reveal this fact to the Allfather?

"I assume there is always purpose in what you do," Sif said to Natasha after the session had come to an end. Loki didn't miss the significant look in her direction.

"Of course," Natasha replied with a nod. "And she wasn't lying, she was helpful with some missions I did for SHIELD before I came here."

Sif gave Loki a dubious look. "I still advise caution."

"Of course," Natasha said. "Believe it or not, I still remember everything that came before."

"But then why...?" Sif asked, uncertainty coloring her tone. Loki found it fascinating, having never seen her look so awkward before. Usually she charged ahead, so sure of herself and her capabilities. The only time she had ever really been upset in his presence on a personal matter was when he had cut her hair and it grew back in black.

"We are the sum of our choices. And there have been different ones made recently. Think of it as watchful waiting."

Nodding slowly, Sif appeared appeased by Natasha's words. "All right, then. I defer to you on this matter. Still, you must take care."

Natasha's smile was a genuine fond one, sending a spike of jealousy through Loki. Sif barely had to say or do anything to earn that smile, and Loki had to bend over backwards. Though true, she had done fairly terrible things before, it still felt unfair.

"I do not recognize that blade," Loki commented as they moved through the palace after the sparring session. They had a few hours before the garden party that Lady Drifa was hosting for her youngest daughter's birthday.

"Maeginbiorn had a field day crafting new things along with repairing the twin swords."

"You repaired them." There obvious shock in her tone; Loki hadn't thought Natasha would remember the comment or care about the blades. They had been forged for Loki centuries ago at Frigga's request when Loki had come to her, desperate and fearful that he would never be good at wielding the sword.

"Of course. They work as well as ever, but it's not expected for me to carry them around with all the fancy dress balls and shit I have to go to." Natasha eyed Loki. "Would you be able to teleport us to Engmarr and Helga's estates?"

"If I knew where they were."

"I'll get a map," Natasha declared, starting to veer off in a completely different direction. Loki hustled to keep up, and looked about to determine where they were going. The training facility was closer to the public areas, but she was heading to the more private areas of the palace that she shouldn't have had access to.

"And where are you headed, then?" Loki asked.

"One of the studies I may have seen before."

"You've wandered the halls?" she asked in surprise, though she really shouldn't have been. Of course Natasha would wander the halls. Of course she would want to know where everything was. "Without bothering with the hypocaust?"

"The hypocaust?"

Loki laughed. "Oh, I'll have to show you those, then. Excellent for listening in or moving about without being seen."

Natasha looked pleased at that. "Sounds like just the thing I might need to know."

The study in question was one of Odin's, which gave Loki pause. "We shouldn't be here..."

Studiously ignoring her, Natasha immediately started rifling through different maps and scrolls in the room. Finally she found one she deemed acceptable, and pulled it out of the stack. "Here, copy this for us." It was a map of Asgard, various markings in different colored inks and symbols, with labeled estates and villages in the outskirts of the realm. Yes, it would be exactly the thing Natasha would need, but Loki was still unnerved to be in one of Odin's inner sanctums without his consent. There already was a price on her head, and coming in to steal a map didn't give her an illicit thrill the way it might have when she was a boy and being dared to do something stupid by Thor or his friends. This felt like tempting fate, and Loki already knew that several of his fates led to death.

But she copied the map flawlessly with magic, and Natasha easily replaced the original where she found it. "There. Now we'll know where we need to go."

"Why do you care so much for missing jarls? They simply could have gone elsewhere."

Natasha snorted. "You have no concept of the lower classes, do you? You're aware of what was expected of you, but do you really think it was so different for them? They wouldn't simply go missing. But Heimdall specifically told me about Jogeirr getting murdered, and he specifically told me he couldn't see who was trustworthy."

"So what?" Loki asked, frowning.

"Heimdall is able to see across different realms, Loki." Natasha stared at her, as if she was being willfully obtuse. Loki hated the thought of disappointing her, but really had no idea what point she was getting at. "If he can't see what is happening, that means that something big and nasty is coming. He's seeing everything but this."

"Which would mean that the jarls are not on Asgard," Loki murmured.

"So... That's the kind of thing we're going to be looking for. You didn't feel it at Jogeirr's house, but it's got to be somewhere."

"But why send _you?"_ Loki asked, confused.

"Do you think Odin would care about them? One or two lesser jarls missing. A handful of karls hung for the crime. Seems pretty open and shut, doesn't it?"

"Isn't it?"

Natasha gave her a withering look. _"Why_ are they killing jarls now? What is it that put them over the edge? Conditions haven't been good for them for years. Something happened to push that forward into murder." Natasha stalked forward, map in hand. "People don't kill for no reason. Even mercenaries have reasons, and the karls are not mercenaries."

"Not like you were."

She caught Loki about the throat with her free hand, and Loki wondered if Natasha was upset with her. "Which is why I know this. I understand how that works. These are not random, even if they look that way for now. We find the connection between them, we find out who is yanking them out of Asgard to do it, we'll understand what needs to be done yet."

Not wanting to displease her further, Loki whisked them to one of the two estates that Engmarr and Helga lived in. Immediately she could see the difference in this home compared to Jogeirr's. The home looked lived in, with furniture that was meant to be comfortable, tapestries on the wall and a painting of the couple over the mantel. Loki and Natasha went through the house; it was small, likely the one that the two tended to retreat to from their larger estate. After looking at the map of Asgard to get a proper look at where the main estate house was located, Loki reached _between_ for a portal to it.

Instead of the main reception hall as was her intent, they were in the cellar.

"Interesting," Natasha said, lips quirked into a sardonic smile as she looked around the area. "I didn't think you were into dungeons. I'll have to rethink what to do with you, then."

As much as the innuendo pleased her, Loki shook her head. "I meant to be in the main hall, not here. But apparently a portal must have been opened here before, and I connected with it."

"So we're dealing with a magic user of some kind. Can you tell who it is?"

"Not just yet," Loki said, shaking her head.

Her gaze sharpened, and it was fascinating to watch Natasha start really looking around the cellar for possible clues. Loki felt empty and useless in comparison, as if she couldn't think of what could come next, what _should_ come next. There was something going on, something large and dangerous and potentially the kind of thing to destroy Asgard. Loki didn't want it destroyed, and perhaps Natasha had a point about Loki not truly wanting to rule over the day to day decisions. She didn't belong there anymore, didn't belong anywhere, really, but that didn't mean that she wanted Asgard gone.

But who else would?

Loki reached out with her senses and then with her physical hands, feeling the shape of reality in the cellar. As Natasha found dried blood on the bottom of the doorframe, Loki felt the outline of a portal that once stood in this cellar. She recoiled from its energy, finding it familiar and repellant. _No. Not again, I'm not going back there, not ever again..._

Natasha hadn't seen it, was absorbed in following the trail of dried blood. It stopped abruptly at the edge of the now-closed portal. "Someone was injured here."

To cover her terror, Loki tried to draw energy out of the blood, tried to craft the figure of its former owner. A feminine shape started to take form, but the blood was too old for that. None of the features were clear, so other than the fact that it was a woman, Loki couldn't be sure who it was. It could have been Helga's blood, or perhaps a servant that stumbled and fell, cutting herself on the sharp edge of the doorframe. It was a logical explanation, but one that her gut wanted to disbelieve immediately.

"Well, that was a good try," Natasha sighed, and a spike of guilt shot through Loki's gut. She should say something. She should admit the truth of the portal's existence, where it led to, who was likely on the other side. If Natasha asked her, Loki would answer. Probably. Definitely. Maybe. Depending on how she asked.

Then the moment passed, and Natasha was striding out of the door without a backward glance, intent on searching the rest of the house. There was nothing else to find after a thorough search, though Natasha thought that the disorganized bedroom might have shown signs of a struggle and an ineffectual attempt to cover that up. Loki opened her mouth to mention the portal, but shut it again when terror seized her. Her throat was closed off, and she struggled for air. Unbearable heat flooded through her, the presence of knives and subtle threats if the master wasn't pleased with Loki. _You lie, of course you lie. If this too is a lie, you will regret it for all of eternity and beg for death._

"Loki?" Natasha asked, concern in her voice.

She was shaking and pale, the memories choking her. Loki shook her head. "We should get back, get ready for that thing you have to go to. I have to go as well, don't I? As your companion from Midgard... Would they believe the ruse?"

Thankfully, Natasha let her panic slide and took hold of the shift in topic. "Yes," she sighed. "I don't think any of them are really the sort to question it. They only care about fashion, rank and getting their children married off."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Loki murmured. "That's rather the point of a union, after all."

"In this case, their being self-centered means they won't care why you're there with me. Having only Bera to see to my needs made them think I was a paltry excuse of a noble."

Loki couldn't help but smile at the disdain in her voice. No, this part of Asgardian society would never appeal to her. "Well, I don't know if having me about would help or harm your reputation, but I would do what I can to aid you."

Natasha gave her a soft smile that sent Loki's insides quivering with need. "I know. So we'll get back and see if we can make a quick appearance before heading out."

Once they were dressed appropriately, Loki and Natasha attended Lady Drifa's garden party. Her youngest daughter was a flighty little thing, laughing and flirting with all the young men that came along with their families. Natasha introduced Loki to everyone she knew at the party as Lara, and Loki couldn't recognize anyone there. True, when a man Loki hadn't been terribly interested in the social side of noble gatherings. He had attended feasts and union gatherings at the urging of Frigga, but had stood aloof and uninterested. As a prince, he had been allowed to be standoffish without ruining any chances at possible matches. As Natasha's companion, Loki wouldn't cull any interest at all, even if she was so inclined.

Knowing that Natasha didn't particularly like most of the people present was somewhat amusing, to be honest. Lady Gilla didn't move in the same social circles as Lady Drifa, who thought herself far more important than most of the guests. There were even subtle digs at Natasha's suitability as Ambassador, which went ignored for the most part. Loki wanted to rip the woman's face right off of her skull, but managed to refrain from such a thing. Imagining her screams and anguish helped make the odious woman more tolerable, though.

At one point, Drifa cast a dark look in the direction of one of the servants. Loki casually looked over in that direction and saw one of the servants with a tray of drinks. Her dress was the same kind of formal outfit that the other karls wore at the party, but Drifa's husband had an intense look as he stared at that the karl. She had honey blonde hair, green eyes and decent enough curves to hold onto. Loki could easy imagine the girl, skirts hiked up and legs wrapped around his waist as he fucked her; Drifa was sour and bitter, frown lines permanently etched into her face, and Loki had no doubt that her husband was often on the receiving end of her temper. Loki wasn't particularly surprised to see that her husband had a roving eye. Such was the way of many jarls in Asgard.

"It's really too bad about the missing jarls," she said, diverting Drifa's attention from the karl for a moment. Natasha looked pleased, which made a thrill of pride go through her.

Drifa sniffed. "You really have _no idea_ how our society functions. Those bleeding hearts really had no place in our set."

"Bleeding hearts?" Natasha echoed, eyebrow lofted. "I thought people were saying that Jogeirr was rather cruel to his karls."

With a negligent wave, Drifa shook her head. "He was a nobody, it doesn't matter. Engmarr and Helga certainly weren't upper crust, but were known enough in some circles. They actually thought karls should have more than their lot in life. It's utterly ridiculous, of course. They need guidance and discipline, the louts. Lady Lagaertha is such a soft heart, it's just as well she hasn't been at any society events."

"Oh? What did she do?"

"I hear tell that she gave the karls free rein on her estates, wage increases, that kind of rot," Drifa said, her tone clearly indicating that she thought such tactics were horrifying. "Why, raggedy karls could buy themselves commissions and think they could become jarls. Insulting."

Loki could tell that Natasha was irritated, and was considering saying something herself. But another noblewoman steered the conversation instead to the upcoming wedding of Lady Gisla, and that she was inviting higher ranked jarls than her station would normally indicate. That set off a flurry of discussion regarding the event itself, which was easy to tune out. At one point, Loki caught Natasha's eye and mouthed at her _We'll figure this out._

 _Of course we will,_ Natasha mouthed back.

It was enough to make her feel less lonely amongst the vapid strangers at the party.

***  
***


	4. When The Heart Breaks

Though Loki and Natasha would have rather started looking into why Lord Thorin was missing, or where Lady Lagaertha might have been, Frigga sent a formal summons to see Lara. A spike of fear shot through Loki at the thought of it, especially since the formal summons specifically did not include Natasha and was set for a time when Natasha usually was in training with the warrior class or was off teaching Bera some self defense skills. Loki would have to face Frigga alone, and somehow her heart refused to let her call Frigga _mother_ even though she desperately wanted to.

Even monsters had mothers, didn't they?

Loki wore dark blue robes shot with gold and green over a black underdress and kirtle, mostly to feel a little closer to Natasha. Of course she would deny that if asked, but no one would ask such a thing. Frigga's quarters were still bright and sunny, impossibly golden and heartbreakingly familiar. Loki wanted to _run,_ as cowardly as that would be, but steeled herself to go forward and stand with her back ramrod straight just inside the doors.

Frigga was at her balcony overlooking the garden. "I suppose I should get used to calling you Lara for the moment."

"If that is your wish," Loki replied formally.

"How have you been adjusting to Asgard?" Frigga asked, turning around to look at her. There was that infinite kindness in her eyes, and Loki wanted to do something to take that expression off of her face. Loki was _wicked,_ something evil that had been spawned and brought into the House of Odin like a cuckoo. Frigga shouldn't still love her.

But the thought of living without that love was bleak, and Loki couldn't bear to think of it.

"As the Ambassador's companion, I've been attending parties, social gatherings, looking into things if Natasha wishes to."

"Is there nothing you care to do for yourself?"

Frowning deeply, Loki stalked forward a few steps. "Would you have me study magic when mortals are not as skilled? Would you have me reveal myself when I fight or cast or walk through the halls I still remember? It would alert the guards that I am not who I seem to be, not exactly, and then comes my death. Is that what you wish?"

"I worry for you, Loki," Frigga murmured.

"Do you really?" she couldn't help but sneer in reply. "Where was that worry when I was nearly dying? Or lost in the Void? Or when I truly would have valued counsel?" She shook her head and half turned away. "What do you wish to hear?"

Frigga looked at her, that concern still etched across her features. "So perceptive about everyone but yourself, is that it?" she asked, walking forward. "Everything you do is to gain someone else's regard. Have you none of your own?"

It hurt to breathe. Loki wanted to lash out, make Frigga hurt as much as she did, make her feel even a fraction of the pain she had been carrying since her fall into the Void.

"Would it make a difference?" Loki sneered instead. "Regard for my capabilities will not remove the death sentence waiting for me. Regard for my knowledge won't sustain me. And there are few who would regard the _siedr_ as much more than vile trickery." She raised her arms, pulling the outer robes tighter against her chest. "All this is a ruse, is it not? I am still the monster beneath it all. Still the creature they whisper about in the dark, still the one condemned. Nothing will change that."

She walked forward and clasped one of Loki's arms; Loki was sure that Frigga would never have attempted such a thing if she was male. Then again, the usual garb that Loki had worn as a male tended to have blades secreted throughout, and the loosely fitting robes did not readily allow knives to be carried. Natasha had found a way, of course, by subtly altering the cut and style to conceal blades strapped to her body. Perhaps Loki should start doing the same.

"You are not a monster, Loki," Frigga said firmly. "You are my child, and I know you are not a monster. You have done terrible things, but you can fix them. You can change all of that, I am certain of it."

"How would you stop me if I can't?"

Loki felt no triumph when Frigga fell silent. Natasha would have disapproved of baiting her, but Loki couldn't help herself. There was no threat of absence or death hanging over her. Frigga would forgive her anything, has forgiven her anything, even near genocide.

"So you can't."

Frigga leveled a look at Loki that could have frozen water. "Are you so determined to be killed, then? So determined to think of us as horrible?"

_"What good could I possibly have been to you?"_

Grasping Loki's face in her hands, there was a fierce expression on Frigga's face that Loki had never really seen before. "You were my child, _mine._ That was worth more to me than anything else in the Nine Realms."

"Are you proud of what you created, then, _Mother?_ Are you still so eager to claim me, horrid creature that I am?" Loki sneered, attempting to pull away from Frigga. The goddess held fast, however, and Loki didn't want to push Frigga so hard that she would be sent reeling.

"I didn't want you to feel different—"

"But I am! I always was, and I never knew why!"

"That doesn't excuse the murder of millions!"

Loki wrenched away from Frigga. "And there it is. The condemnation I so richly deserve."

"You are so determined to suffer," Frigga sighed. "Determined to set the blame elsewhere..."

Turning her back to Frigga, Loki crossed her arms under her breasts. "Do I? I tell you that I have murdered in cold blood, that I have twisted and warped and done irreparable harm to other creatures of the Nine Realms. I nearly finished the war that Odin could not." She turned around, anger blazing in her eyes. "But nothing is good enough. I will never be worthy, because I was never meant to be anything more than a trophy. A token of Odin's good will, a treasure kept under lock and key. I could have been a great many things, but all that possibility was stolen from me, and I was shaped to be something that none would _ever_ care for."

"I still care for you."

"And you will forever be the only one."

Frigga looked away from the flat statement, and Loki wanted to collapse and cry. She would never be worthy, never, but she _tried so hard,_ and didn't understand where she failed so badly. It _hurt,_ and she fiercely missed the innocent trust she had placed in Frigga and her wisdom when she was too young to truly understand. She shook off Frigga's comforting touch; she didn't deserve it, and by now knew she had to rely on herself and the deal with Natasha for any kind of peace. Frigga couldn't give it to her any longer.

"Whatever form you take," Frigga said softly, "I am your mother. That cannot be changed. There are a great many mistakes we have made along the way, but they can be corrected. The future is not set. It _can_ be changed."

"Hel told me. I make the wrong choices, I wind up in Helheim." Loki could hear the bitterness in her voice, the dead finality. "Even you cannot erase that."

"I would not try. We all must fulfill our _spá."_

"Then what good are you? What good are these little talks? Balm to assuage your guilt? A way to look in and be certain that I won't suddenly turn blue and walk through the halls? I am only what you and Odin made me to be. It's not my fault if you're no longer pleased with the results."

Never mind that Loki wasn't pleased with it either.

Frigga looked about to cry, though she had her regal bearing to prevent it. Loki felt terrible, and almost wanted to beg Frigga's forgiveness. Frigga had been the one to soothe her hurts as a child, to calm her fears and quiet the nightmares. Loki had never guessed he hadn't been born to her, had felt different because of other reasons. Not once had he ever felt neglected, shunned or unloved as now she claimed to be.

"Then perhaps there truly is nothing left for you in Asgard." Frigga gestured toward her door and turned to walk back to her balcony. "There was no purpose in returning, and I truly only have one child now."

Heart breaking, Loki left without a word, quietly closing the door behind her.

***

"What is your earliest memory?" Loki asked quietly, sitting beside Natasha on a stone bench in Frigga's garden. This was one of the places that had always helped to settle Loki's mind before, and sharing it with Natasha seemed to make it almost holy.

She turned toward Loki, her expression neutral. "Why?"

"My earliest memory is being here. I was quite small, and I had a nightmare. I don't remember what it was now, but then it seemed very frightening. My mo—" Loki's voice choked off and she looked at one of the flowering bushes in the distance. "She didn't come as she usually did, though I called for her, and I crept my way here. But it was dark, and the flowers didn't bloom yet, and I needed to see them. So I created a sun above the garden, bright enough to make them bloom and give me comfort. It was my first working of the _seidr,_ completely by instinct. She began to teach me after that, spell after spell after spell. The _spá_ was difficult, but runic magic and the _seidr_ came naturally to me."

"That set you apart as a boy."

Loki managed not to shudder. "There were differences beside that, but when some of the warriors knew I could work the _seidr..._ It simply wasn't done," she said, turning to look at Natasha. "It was not seemly. It was... Do you know the term _ergi?"_ she asked, waiting for Natasha to shake her head. Loki was sure that Natasha must have heard the term, or at least the concept of it from others tutoring her about Asgard. "It's an insult. It's unmanliness. It's... I would be mocked, not trusted, yet used when they had need of me."

"Frigga mentioned it a little."

"I was good at _seidr._ Almost as good as she is. She was my teacher, and I would have done anything to please her." She fell silent, feeling her throat constrict painfully. "I thought she was my mother, and that she knew best."

"She planned for you to use your magic to help Thor in his rule. That you would hold a position even higher than that of a High Chamberlain."

Loki turned to look at Natasha in disbelief. "Not possible, not if I was so tainted by _ergi."_ She shook her head. "The only way to prove I was fit to rule was through war. Through death and destruction, to prove I could be as strong as Odin."

"That's what she told me," Natasha told Loki quietly. "She didn't seem to be lying about that."

"Others would not have trusted my counsel if I were to practice openly."

"She also planned for Sif to marry Thor."

"Ah." Loki smiled, though it faltered after a time. "Well. Maybe once, that plan may have worked, but not now."

"No, not now."

They fell into silence, and Loki chanced to take Natasha's hand. When she allowed it, Loki's heart sang painfully in her chest. "And you?" she asked. "Your earliest memory?"

"Fire," Natasha remarked, voice devoid of emotion. Loki could tell this was truth, though she couldn't have said how she knew. "The building was burning down, and I think my father was already dead. My mother and I were trapped in a corner room, no way out. She threw me from the window, begging the men in the crowd to catch me, to see me safe. She was in the process of coming through after me when the roof collapsed. Then the entire building went up in flames."

Loki was very still. "She gave her life for you."

"I don't know her name," Natasha said, shrugging. She wasn't looking at Loki, but at the edge of statuary that could be seen through the floral arrangements of the garden. Loki doubted she was really seeing it, though. "I know I was born Natalia Alianovna Romanova, but that only tells me what my father's name was." She turned toward Loki, her expression perfectly blank. Loki found it disturbing, given the content of their conversation. "Russians use patronymics, too. So I know my father's name but not hers. I remember her face, but not his."

"How old were you?" Loki asked softly, not wanting to break this spell.

"I must have been five. I don't remember anything before that."

"After that was your training, that time you mentioned when your life was not your own."

"Yes." She turned away. "It wasn't my own again for a long time."

"How did you do it?"

"That's a story for a different day," she said, no inflection in her tone.

"I would guess Yelena was involved," Loki said, not sure why she would say such a thing. No, that wasn't entirely correct. Jealousy was why, though it made no sense. She hadn't heard of Yelena until relatively recently, and Natasha had claimed her before that. Yelena hadn't been involved in Natasha's life for a very long time. Clint hadn't mentioned the name to Loki while he was under the Tesseract control.

"Jealousy doesn't suit you," Natasha said dryly, correctly naming Loki's tortured emotional state.

Loki didn't want to argue, but she felt as though her claim on Natasha was even more tenuous here than on Midgard. On Midgard, Natasha nominally needed her, which gave her a sense of purpose. She wasn't trying to rule that realm, or even a small part of it, and she wasn't actively scheming to compromise anyone's integrity. To be honest, she was out of sorts, but Natasha's requests gave her something to do. On Asgard, she had no purpose at all. She wasn't even Loki here to anyone but Natasha and Frigga, and perhaps Heimdall. To everyone else, she was simply a mortal companion to keep Natasha company between feasts and balls.

"There is nothing for me here or there," Loki said quietly. She recalled one of her conversations with Bruce Banner and sighed. "I have no home, do I?"

"You called this home."

"Home is not a place where you would be executed for revealing yourself."

"Do you blame them?"

Eyes flashing, she bared her teeth at Natasha. But even that momentary flash of anger died. "I suppose I don't."

Even Hel didn't want her in Helheim. There was no place for Loki to go to, and she had brought this all on herself. She couldn't even see a way out.

"There is nothing here. All have been driven away, bonds broken. There is no redemption for the likes of me," she said softly.

"It's only there if you want to take it."

"How did you?" Loki asked, brows furrowed. "If your life was not your own, your mind not even your own, how did you know how to start over?"

"At first, I didn't. And I didn't need to. I did what I knew, that was it. There's no absolution for what I did, so why even try?"

"But you do. Your ledger..."

"Is about balance," she interrupted gently. "It doesn't erase the past. Wiping my ledger clean doesn't erase the prior entries. It simply brings everything into balance."

"Can there be balance?"

She smiled, a true and beautiful one that Loki had very rarely seen. "I'll make sure of it."

"And if I do as you do..."

"It will give you something to do." Natasha tilted her head to the side, contemplating Loki. "It won't matter to you the same way. It doesn't have the same meaning, but it will give you something to do."

"You don't think much of me sometimes, do you?" Loki asked, pain in her voice.

"I'm not a role model," Natasha corrected with a shake of her head. "I shouldn't be your guide for proper behavior."

"I do not fit into the roles Asgard would give me."

"No, I don't think you would anymore," she agreed, nodding. Rising to her feet, she pulled Loki with her. "You've changed, and this place hasn't. But I think there are a lot more discontents here than just you."

"What do you mean?"

"Even here, there are whispers. And someone like me without enough to do here..."

"You've always listened to whispers," Loki said, an appreciative smile creeping onto her face.

"You must have dozens of hiding places in the palace, secret ways in and out that would allow us to go hunting in the shadows."

"What will we look for?" Loki asked, feeling a curl of excitement begin to grow in her belly. It was almost as enticing as Natasha taking control.

"Whatever there is to find. I have a feeling there will be enough here to surprise you."

Loki grinned, teeth sharp and eyes bright. She felt like a predator again, like someone powerful and useful and _necessary._ "Let's go see what the shadows tell us."

***

Considering that Engmarr, Helga and Lagaertha had all been kind to the karls on their estates, as opposed to Jogeirr and apparently Thorin, it wasn't a distinct pattern of karls rising up to torture and kill the jarls that had oppressed them. Natasha unfurled the map Loki had copied from Odin's study once they were back from Thorin's estate. Loki had sensed the presence of another portal in Lagaertha's estate, but not on Thorin's property. "All that seems to mean is that whoever it was that took them was more comfortable entering their homes if they were nice," Natasha said. "I would think that means our killers knew the jarls well."

"Of course they would, if they were karls."

"They aren't widely traveled for such a small realm," Natasha disagreed, catching her lower lip between her teeth as she studied the map. Her eyes took in the overall shape of things, the different markings Odin had used as well as her own now for the missing jarls. She wasn't entirely sure what the red X's were on the map, but Thorin and Jogeirr's estates had been close to them. Engmarr and Helga's estate had been far to the west, Lagaertha's far to the east. Tapping those red X's, she looked to Loki. "Once you would have been involved in Odin's council, right? I'm sure he uses the same markings now."

Loki actually looked vaguely ill, and Natasha wondered if she was pushing her too far. "I don't like to think on such things."

"You have insider knowledge that we need right now."

"Because you take the expedient route," Loki snapped, eyes flashing.

"Yeah, I do. I don't like wasting time."

It clearly wasn't the answer Loki expected, as she looked away and was visibly discomfited. "Is that what this is?"

"What is?"

"This is simply a waste of your time? There is no benefit to you at all?"

Natasha could tell something else was on Loki's mind than the missing jarls, and whatever it was likely was why Loki had seemed distracted during their estate searches. "Do you want to see Asgard fall apart? Because that's where it's headed if we don't figure out who is doing this and why," she said flatly, knowing that would catch Loki's attention.

It did. "Asgard would never fall."

"Of course it will. Just because it hasn't in thousands of years doesn't mean it never will. Regimes rise and fall all the time."

Something shifted in Loki's eyes, but she looked away from Natasha to the map. "Blue is the color of death and magic, and red is associated with healing magic. Those X's are likely skirmishes that needed help from the Healing Hall." She pointed to the map right next to the collection of red X's. "That's the Healing Hall. All of the members and students there are female; the healing arts are too closely related to _seidr_ for most Asgardians, so males would not be comfortable walking those halls."

"We're both female," Natasha pointed out. "Do we need to go there to see what happened?"

"It's a sisterhood and we're not part of it. I doubt they would answer simply because we ask. But when you were being healed before..."

"That was in the palace. I didn't go to the Healing Hall."

"Then let us go to the Infirmary," Loki murmured. "Perhaps you could ask your questions, and we will hide in the hypocaust to hear what they _truly_ have to say."

Natasha gave her a sly smirk as she nodded and rolled up the map, replacing it back where she had hidden it in her quarters. "Then let's go."

Loki led the way to the Infirmary, where there were some Healers working on developing the poultices and draughts that sometimes were needed. Of course none of them had any idea of warriors or other jarls getting hurt recently, and none of them were aware of any trouble at the Healing Hall. Natasha thanked them, and ducked out with Loki. She turned them invisible and led Natasha to the hypocaust entrance closest to the Infirmary. They moved silently through the space between the pilae stacks, until they were underneath the Infirmary. Loki crabwalked forward, past Natasha, then pointed to the large flues in the wall. They would be able to stand there relatively comfortably, rather than trying to kneel or remain in a stooped posture beneath the Infirmary floor inside the hypocaust. Natasha shot her a smile, thankful for that, and moved to stand inside the flue. Loki stood in the flue next to hers, and cast a spell that amplified distant voices for her to hear.

"Eir," one young woman said, her voice heavily tinged with relief. "Thank the Roots, you've arrived. The Ambassador was here, asking about battles."

There was a heavy sigh, but it didn't sound as though it came from Eir. No, that voice was rather regal in tone, and came from the wall opposite the flues. "She is a warrior of a sort amongst her own people. Vigdis had helped to heal the damage in her back from one of the potions the witch Amora had tortured her with."

"Vigdis is at the Healing Hall," another voice reported.

"How could she have known that there were battles?" the first voice asked, a thread of fear there.

Eir sighed. "She is clever, for a mortal unused to our ways. I am sure that the King and Queen have asked her to look into it." There was the sound of her sitting heavily in a chair. "The cruelty behind the deaths of the jarls we've found are particularly brutal. It is not the sort of thing done on Asgard. Those karls they hung weren't responsible, not when the marks between the bodies are exactly the same. And it hasn't stopped yet..."

"What will we do?" asked the fearful voice.

"We do what we have always done. We study our craft, we make our preparations, heal those that come to our Hall with damage."

"What if Linhildr and Mabil don't return?" asked the second voice. "Their fate could be that of the jarls. If we're targeted as well... We would not be able to heal those in need."

"Healing is a hallowed art," Eir declared, voice firm. It was the tone that Natasha recognized as a commanding one, meant to calm those lower in rank. That didn't mean she was opposed to lying, as she clearly was about to do. "Healers would not be targeted in such a scheme."

Natasha rolled her eyes, suppressing the snort she wanted to make. Of course Healers would be targeted. It sounded as though two might have gone missing already. If so, whoever this was was intent on thoroughly decimating Asgard. There was no other explanation for eliminating Healers in such a clandestine manner. War would simply overwhelm them, and warriors would die off from inadequate treatment of wounds or infection, assuming such things could happen on Asgard amidst its wonders. Eliminating Healers now, while stealthily destabilizing the infrastructure of the realm, meant that the ultimate goal had to be annihilation. She didn't know enough about intergalactic or interrealm denizens to be able to guess who would want to annihilate Asgard in such a way.

The red X's on the map had to mean skirmishes where Healers could be deployed. The black ones might have been battles where the Healers hadn't been able to make headway. A handful of skittish girls with healing magic wouldn't be able to stem the tide of full on war.

It was easy to tune out the rest of the frightened chatter from the first Healer. The second was more thoughtful, and still concerned about Healer safety despite Eir's assurances. Eir eventually left, amidst promises to send a few more Healers to the palace Infirmary to help with the potions and poultices that the warrior trainees would need. Natasha took that as her cue to drop down to her knees within the hypocaust, and scurry toward Loki's flue. Her hair swung around in sweaty clumps, and her clothes stuck to her from the sweat. Tapping on Loki's leg, she waited until the goddess dropped down into an awkward crouch. "Time to go and get cleaned up."

"Heard enough?"

"Eir knows more than she's saying, of course," Natasha said, voice pitched low. "But I gather she's important among the Healers."

"First among teachers in the art," Loki nodded. She moved to hands and knees and nodded in a different direction than where they came from. "Might as well move through the hypocaust to your rooms. Less chance of detection that way."

Natasha was hopelessly lost; the hallways were easy to navigate and create mental landmarks from, but the pilae stacks all looked the same and there were no demarcations in walls to give any indication of where they were in the palace. Her knees hurt, and some of the rough stone tugged and snarled the outer robe. Bera would be most upset at the state of her dress, but that would give her and the palace weavers more to do. Natasha also knew they tended to gossip more as they worked, so that would give Bera more news to report in the morning.

Loki did steer her back toward her quarters, and dropped the illusion spell just prior to entering the suite. Bera was waiting, pacing back and forth in an agitated manner. She stopped and gaped at them when the door shut. "Look at you both! Hardly fitting for your royal titles!" she cried, throwing up her hands in exasperation at the sight of their damp, disheveled clothing and hair.

"Is there supposed to be something we're supposed to be doing?" Natasha asked, approaching the wardrobe. "I thought I had a free afternoon."

"You do. Technically. But..."

"But...?" Natasha prompted, releasing the ties and letting her outer robe fall to the floor. The kirtle clung to her, sweat making the sheer lawn practically transparent. Bera averted her eyes and bent down to pick up the outer robe and dress respectfully. Natasha smirked at Loki, who couldn't help staring at her in desire.

"You wanted news from the outer reaches of Asgard. Well, the vintner had heard from the gardeners that there was concern among the armorers and colliers, because one of the mines can no longer be accessed. It normally wouldn't be so bad a thing, but the jarls closest to that particular mine are not responding to inquiries from the karls _or_ the ministers from the Interior Department. This has to be of interest to you, yes?"

As Bera had spoken, Natasha had stripped off the sodden material and removed her knives quickly. She gathered water from the bathroom into a large basin to give herself a quick sponge bath. Loki followed her example, making some effort not to be obvious in her ogling. "Oh, yes," Natasha agreed when Bera finished speaking. She blotted her skin dry and liberally spritzed herself with perfume before putting on a new kirtle. "Where is this mine?"

She had never been there, but the description passed along in the whispers seemed to place it at the easternmost edge of the realm. Natasha pulled a simple undergown over her head then removed the map from its hiding place in the back of her wardrobe. She unfurled it as Loki dressed, ignoring she scowls. Bera dropped the dresses she had been trying to gather and came to look at the map as well. She tapped the area, which was near the black X's marked on the map. "I think it would be somewhere hereabouts. The ores can't be brought up, so the armorers have nothing to work with, and the colliers still have all their coal. Plus, it's near the river, and that would explain the dead or missing fish."

"What dead or missing fish?" Loki piped up, leaning in against Natasha's back to look at the map. Natasha tilted her head just far enough to give her a dry expression; it wouldn't do to alarm Bera, and Loki was no doubt taking advantage of the situation.

"Oh, there is a section near the mine where nothing seems to be growing. I'm sorry, I thought I mentioned that already." Bera flushed in embarrassment, ducking her head, but Natasha touched her arm reassuringly.

"That's not like Asgard at all," Natasha murmured, perusing the map. "Perhaps I should go look for it." She startled when Bera grasped her arm. "What?"

"Nothing is growing there, Natasha. And nothing stays living there for very long."

The worry was clear in her voice, and Natasha shook off Loki long enough to give her a tight, supportive hug. "We won't be there long."

"W-we?"

"Lara and I," Natasha clarified. "We'll head out there, take a look."

"But you can't let anything happen to you... Lady Gisla's wedding is next week!"

Natasha couldn't help but laugh a little. Bera's priorities were so very different from her own. "I will keep that mind, not to worry." She turned and went to the wardrobe to pick out a dark and relatively plain outer robe to wear. Loki followed her, frowning, and selecting something similar. "I just want to take a look around, see if it might be something of concern. A scouting mission, so to speak. I won't do anything silly."

Bera looked at them dubiously, but didn't say anything to counteract her word. She merely nodded, then looked to gather up the dresses. "Just... Be careful, okay? I worry, you know."

"I know." Natasha tied the sash tightly around her waist and went to Bera's side and touched her arm. "Remember... Gathering information is one of the things I do very well on Midgard. I know how to do it and still be safe."

"You didn't put on your knives."

Grinning at Bera, Natasha nodded. "I didn't want to scare you."

"At this point, I think it scares me more when you don't wear them."

"All right, then," Natasha said, rolling up her sleeves. It was short work to strap the knives on, and she opened a drawer in the wardrobe to reveal a set of knives in sheaths that Maeginbiorn had made for her. Drawing up the skirts, she strapped them to her thighs and then checked and rearranged them so that she could reach them in a hurry through the slits in the skirt panels. She looked up at Bera with a lofted eyebrow. "Better?"

"Much," Bera replied with a nod and small smile. "At least if you're armed I know you'll be able to defend yourself against whatever is out there." She looked at Lara curiously. "What about you? Do you have knives like that?"

"Knives are one weapon I'm good at," Loki temporized. She seemed a little startled that Bera would care about her wellbeing. "I'll be safe, and help keep Natasha safe."

"All right," Bera murmured. "I'll see if there are any other whispers."

Once she was gone, Loki looked at Natasha curiously. "You didn't use any sexual wiles on her."

"Didn't have to."

"So why did you with Lady Gilla?"

"Gilla was curious and cute. Plus, it made her feel important and I could see the extent of the bruises her asshole husband left on her." Natasha's expression darkened a bit, but she didn't care if Loki could see it. Wanton abuse in any form bothered her, and she would stop it however she could whenever she could. Having been royalty, Loki probably didn't understand that impulse.

"You don't sleep with all your friends."

"No." Natasha shook out the folds of her dress to realign them. She supposed she could shut down Loki's line of thought, but she was going somewhere with it. If that somewhere ended up with a proposal of some kind, that would get shot down immediately. Loki was far too damaged to be able to do anything permanent.

But Loki didn't ask anything. She looked about ready to say something, but then shook her head and sighed. "Let's go to the mines, then."

"You're sure you're okay with that?"

"I'll be fine," Loki insisted, so Natasha merely nodded and accepted it at her word.

Loki's portal opened in a heavy treed area near the mine. The mine itself was built into a hill, the area around the opening completely devoid of life. It wasn't the usual kind of quiet from a break in shift work, and would be what the rumors had talked about. There was utter stillness, and even the river nearby didn't seem to make any noise at all. Loki's invisibility spell settled over Natasha's skin, and she looked in her general direction. "Any spells to let us communicate silently, just in case someone is in there?"

"I suppose I could craft something."

There was hesitancy in Loki's voice, and Natasha almost wished she could see Loki's expression in that moment. Perhaps it was the mine itself, too similar to the caverns in New York where Amora had held Loki captive. Perhaps it was the eerie silence, the lack of life. Perhaps it was the rumor mill finally getting to her, making her think that yes, it was a Big Deal if lower ranked jarls and the karls had gone missing. Perhaps it was her own insecurity, or not being sure where Natasha's affections were. Natasha wouldn't clear that up, either; protecting her emotions and sense of self were second nature after the Red Room's influence, and she wouldn't give that up for _anyone,_ let alone an anxious megalomaniac without a home.

"I can go alone if it's too uncomfortable being underground," Natasha murmured. "I'm just going to take a look around, see what's going on. Recon only, no engagement."

"I can go with you," Loki replied, her voice a little stronger even if it wasn't very confident sounding at all. "You'll be better protected with me along. Especially if one of those murderous karls are around..."

"I think someone else is pulling the strings," Natasha murmured, starting to creep forward. "This is not the work of some farm or mine laborer," she said. "Torture that would turn the stomach of a trained Healer is not common. The discontent was here, but _someone_ is looking to expand it, profit on the discord in this realm."

Loki drew in a breath, sounding almost pained as she followed Natasha. She didn't say anything, however, and Natasha didn't want to puzzle this out just yet. Loki still had to figure out quite a bit for herself, and it wouldn't be of any benefit if Natasha laid it out for her. The goddess had come a long way from who she used to be, and not just in physical appearance, but that didn't mean she couldn't go further. Loki had much to atone for if she chose to.

The office near the mine was locked, and Natasha didn't bother to open it up just yet. The mine shaft was unguarded and wide open, so she headed there. She could feel Loki's presence behind her, a faint whisper of magic tingling against her skin. Keeping a mental map of the tunnels, they walked until Natasha found the abandoned mining equipment, then further still. The lights strung across the tops of the tunnels were bright enough to light the way, though they cast odd shadows along the wall. Natasha wondered if it was because of the invisibility spell, that the light was trying to still reveal their presence, but didn't want to ask Loki. It was too quiet in the mine, and a creeping feeling began to slither up her spine.

Around another bend, she saw the reason for her unease. Dozens of karls were piled up on the floor in a haphazard manner, severed limbs and congealed blood spattered everywhere. It had been a massacre, with no sign as to motive or who it might have been.

There was the sound of a wheezing breath, likely Loki surprised by the devastation. She likely hadn't considered the possibility of something serious truly happening. Natasha turned on her heel and caught Loki's arm unerringly, propelling them out of the mine and back the way that they had come. "Can we get inside the office?" she asked quietly.

"What for?"

"I get the feeling going through the other jarls' estates won't give us much to work with."

The office was a two story building. The first floor was clear, the second was not; it looked like the interior of the mine, only this time it was the jarls that were dead and piled haphazardly in a corner of the storage room. The missing Healers were there as well, shocked expressions frozen on their faces forever.

Loki stumbled out of the offices after Natasha's steady walk, and she managed to wait until the cover of the trees before retching. "Have you seen much death up close?" Natasha asked. Loki had fought for Odin in the past, and shouldn't have been a stranger to death.

"A long time ago," Loki said after a moment, dropping their invisibility spells. She looked more shaken up by the sight than Natasha thought she would have been. "I've seen death, you know. I've seen torture."

It went unspoken between them that she had been tortured herself.

"There are dark forces at work here," Loki continued, shuddering. "I would rather pretend we had not seen this, but..."

"This is just the beginning, isn't it?"

Loki nodded miserably. "The beginning of many, I fear. Your handmaiden is concerned about the wedding next week. I'm starting to worry that there truly is no long term future for Asgard after all. I think you're right, someone wants Asgard to be utterly destroyed. Not just burn, but for all hope to be extinguished."

"Who would want to do such a thing?"

To Natasha's surprise, Loki's expression shuttered. She had seen that look before on many faces, when flashbacks grew too difficult to bear, when even contemplating the possibility of something brought on a darkness too painful to tolerate. Loki wrapped her arms around herself and looked away. "Death is coming for Asgard, Natasha. There may not be a safe place for any of us if it wins."

"So you're going to give up?" Natasha asked, eyebrow lifted slightly. "You're not even going to try to fight it?"

"Some creatures cannot be fought. Sometimes you can't win, no matter how hard you fight."

"I don't believe that," Natasha replied, voice hard and pitiless.

Loki gave her a watery smile. "I'm glad. Someone should have hope in these times."

They left the dead clearing in silence.

***  
***


	5. Between Different Worlds

Loki refused to discuss potential antagonists to Asgard and Odin refused to see Natasha, no matter how many requests she put in. Frigga was very quiet and ultimately told Natasha that she would talk with him, but Loki knew it was a temporizing measure. Neither would want to admit that there were dark forces on Asgard. It was simpler if it was simply a handful of jarls and karls fighting. It was easier to ignore the incoming darkness. Loki was just as guilty; she didn't go with Natasha when she met with Heimdall, Sif, Thor or the Warriors Three to discuss her concerns about the things they had found. She stayed in bed during those meetings, blankets pulled up over her head and warning spells laced around the room. She didn't feel safe, she felt hunted, and she knew she had every right to be.

Death stalked Asgard, even if Odin didn't want to see it.

Lady Gisla marrying Lord Agni was a large social event; while neither noble were in the higher ranks, Gisla's aunt was the widow of greater jarl Lord Thorki, who had died in battle against the Jotnar years before. This allowed Gisla to invite a number of greater jarls she might not have been able to otherwise. This included Natasha, as her title of Ambassador gave her presumed royal status. She was allowed to bring a guest with her; any servants she required didn't add to the guest list, as they were expected to stay out of the main party area.

Loki supposed she shouldn't have been upset by Natasha thinking to ask Fandral to be her plus one; he was one of Thor's friends and a jarl in his own right. Meanwhile, Lara was human and just a friend of Natasha's. Only Bera knew that Lara was potentially more. As much as she really shouldn't have been upset, she was. Seducing Gilla for information about society was Natasha's way, and Loki knew this from that past mission with Emilia. But there was nothing to gain from Fandral in this instance, and Natasha had said that Fandral didn't have much to contribute to the discussion about the dead jarls and karls. Loki found it disturbing how quickly Natasha thought of him for the wedding and was certain he would accept the invitation. She didn't want to ask and confirm it, but Loki was certain that Natasha had shared Fandral's bed before. Chest aching desperately, Loki begged to accompany her to the wedding as a handmaiden, if only to be on the lookout for magic being used to accost the jarls. It was an easy excuse; the bloody mine was still easily at the forefront of their minds.

The wedding itself was a standard union ceremony. Gisla was beaming the entire time, and Agni was visibly pleased at the union and the assemblage present to witness it. Immediately following the ceremony, guests were invited to feast and dance in celebration within Agni's family home. Loki kept to the outer edges of the crowd as expected of a handmaiden, jealousy making her feel physically ill as she watched Fandral and Natasha dance. It was nothing overt, but Loki could see the knowing way that Fandral touched her. He was familiar with her body, the sensual pleasures that touch could give her. Loki didn't want to see the way they smiled at each other, knowing lovers' smiles, and edged further along the ballroom.

Close to Lady Drifa and her ilk, Loki paused when she heard the phrase "...so disgusting." Loki could feel her rage build. How dare that cow speak about Natasha this way? "She shouldn't have come here. They call it _confinement_ for a reason."

Following her line of sight, Loki looked and saw a very largely pregnant woman sitting at a table. She was looking at her husband lovingly, and he was attending to her with a mirroring expression. Rather than be disgusted as Drifa was, Loki looked at the couple with longing. There was so much love between the two of them, such happiness and joy in each other and their future offspring. It made her heart ache, and she wished Natasha could look at her that way. Loki knew it could never happen, she had done too much evil to her and her friends, but it was something that Loki still longed for desperately.

Eventually, cheeks delightfully flushed, Natasha found Loki in the crowd. "Hey. You can head back if you want. Fandral and I are going for a walk."

Panic flared in her chest, something sharp and ugly. Natasha was leaving her, Natasha didn't want her, Natasha found someone better. Fandral would be a generous and kind lover, and for all of his flippant ways, he had never boasted of conquests in vulgar terms. Loki knew that about him, even if they were no longer friends.

Leaping to her feet, Loki pasted a smile on her face. Natasha couldn't leave without her. Loki would do anything to stay with her, anything to make Natasha _see her._ Her entire world was twisted inside out, and she couldn't let Natasha go. "I'll go with you."

"We're not really walking in a garden," she replied, voice dropping to a whisper. Her eyes shone and her lips quirked in amusement.

Anger flared in Loki's heart along with jealousy and intense loneliness. Did Natasha think that Loki was a fool? "I know. I'll go with you and keep you safe. After what we found last week... Where you go, I go."

Natasha shrugged, the sparkle in her eyes not diminished in the slightest. "Fine, then. I suppose we could always explain it as you joining in. It'll be fun, and he's the type to want to want to try that if he hasn't already. C'mon."

Loki followed her to a garden, where Fandral was off in the distance waiting. He lofted an eyebrow at her when he saw Loki, and Natasha nodded with a smile. Loki pushed aside the urge to run away. By the Tree, this was _Fandral,_ and they had grown up together. But Loki couldn't back down from her bluff, and had to play the role she cast for herself. Fandral grinned in answer to Natasha's unspoken explanation, then jerked his head in the direction they had to go. She followed Natasha, not paying attention to where exactly they were going. The two had such fluid communication with gestures. Was this the kind of thing that Natasha did when not investigating things? How could she shrug off the nightmarish visions of death so easily?

Fandral led them to an inn not that far from the inner areas of Asgard near the palace. He silently pointed to the second floor as he removed a key from his pocket and slipped inside. Loki felt sick to her stomach; they had been planning this for some time, then, and Natasha would have left Loki behind. Natasha didn't need her, after all.

The room was large and comfortable, with a four poster bed, thick feather down quilts and hangings on the bed to lock in warmth. A fire burned merrily in the hearth, a ewer of water nearby and a stack of small towels for washing. It was meant to invoke the comforts of home to a weary traveler, a place to rest and relax before continuing across Asgard or before participating in a nearby festival.

"I didn't obtain food or drink," Fandral told them apologetically, removing his decorative ceremonial sword from his waist. "I thought there would be refreshment enough obtained at the wedding, no need for more now."

Natasha reached out to grasp Fandral's outer tunic in one hand to pull him down for a kiss. It was utterly filthy, something that made Loki feel at once embarrassed and turned on. "You're talking too much, Fandral. We're going to keep you very busy."

Loki could feel desire pool in her belly at that purr, and Natasha was utterly lovely in Fandral's arms. Her mouth went dry when Natasha reached behind her for Loki, then turned to beckon her forward. "Don't be left out, Lara."

Her reply was swallowed up inside Natasha's kiss, and Fandral moved so that he could loop an arm around Loki as well as Natasha. That hand pulled at one of the ties in her robe, loosening it. Natasha helped, a naughty smirk on her face as the dress puddle around Loki's feet on the floor. "So pretty," she purred, before pulling Loki down by the back of her neck to give her a filthy kiss. "It'll be so much fun for us to fuck you, won't it?"

Loki could only whimper as Natasha kissed her and Fandral started to caress her breasts. She had to blot out the fact that this was _Fandral,_ that she had known this warrior when she was a boy, and focus on Natasha. The flame-haired spy was the center of her existence now. How had that happened? How had she become so vital to Loki? She closed her eyes and tried to lose herself in Natasha's kiss. This must be what Natasha felt when Loki used her magic, too many hands and limbs pressing into her body and making her _feel._ Sensation crowded out any other thought or worry.

The kirtle fell to the floor, and Fandral's hands were over bare skin, then skimming down her belly to the juncture of her thighs. His lips were at the back of her neck, beneath the upswept hair, then he moved to kiss his way down her spine. Natasha started to walk backward toward the bed, pulling along Loki and Fandral by extension. She sat at the edge and pulled Loki down beside her, turning her so that Loki was lying on her back with her legs spread. Fandral easily knelt between them and started to kiss and lick his way between her thighs, knowledgeable lips and tongue working something almost like magic. Natasha bent down to kiss her mouth, one hand keeping herself braced and the other caressing one of her breasts. Loki grasped Natasha desperately, gasping into her mouth, and the other hand pulled at the blanket beneath her.

The pleasure crashed into her abruptly, and she cried out into Natasha's kiss. She backed up, lips caught in a pleased smile. Fandral still licked at her clit, one finger working inside of her, and Loki moaned as she watched Natasha open the clasps keeping the top of her dress together. Her arms slid easily out of the top of her kirtle, leaving her bare to the waist. Her come-hither look at Loki made her mouth water in desire. Loki greedily reached for her to suckle one perfect breast, feeling as though perhaps this wasn't such an awful idea after all. She could forget about the man that once had been a fellow warrior. She could focus on the woman in her arms.

Loki pulled at the skirt of Natasha's breast, pushing aside fabric until she could feel the smooth skin of her thigh. She was overwhelmed by the sensations flooding through her, hips bucking against Fandral's mouth and hand. Natasha pinched a nipple just right, enough to make her catch her breath and suck a little harder on Natasha. That made her hum happily and say "Just like that, you know what I like," close to Loki's ear.

Her voice was like magic all of its own. Loki came again, hands clutching tight onto Natasha's thigh. She would likely leave a bruise, even with her fast healing.

Fandral sat back and watched as Loki pulled Natasha closer. She hiked up her skirt and straddled Loki's head, then beckoned Fandral to come up on the bed. As Loki licked into her, she pulled Fandral closer to kiss him. He helped hold her upright with one arm and stroked one breast with the other. Natasha rocked a little against Loki's lips and tongue, her quiet moans swallowed by Fandral's tongue in her mouth. Loki could ignore Fandral's presence, could keep her eyes shut and simply savor the taste of Natasha, her little mewls and the rocking of her hips. Loki grasped Natasha tightly and lifted her head a little to delve her tongue deeper inside her. She could almost feel the seductive lethargy in her limbs, the worry and fear about Natasha's emotions falling away from her. It didn't matter anymore. Only this moment did, only hearing her gasps, only knowing that Natasha was pleased, Natasha was happy, Loki could do this for her. She was coming apart at the seams, shaking from the pleasure, and it was because Loki knew what she liked, knew what pleased her. For once, Loki could do something right.

Disappointed when Natasha moved off of her, Loki rose onto her elbows. She had a smile on her face, which helped ease Loki's budding distress. Flopping onto her back with a playful dramatic flair that Loki so rarely saw, Natasha stretched out and gestured from Fandral to Loki. "Hey, give me a moment to recover. Can you take care of Lara for me?"

"It would be a delight," Fandral replied, giving her a courtly nod. He slid off the bed and walked around it before coming to Loki's side. He stretched out beside her, and Loki was startled to see bare flesh next to her. When had he gotten undressed? She had lost sight of that. His hands sliding across her body felt good, his kiss was pleasurable. It was the sensation of his cock against her thigh, heavy and wet at the tip, that made panic pierce the lassitude that was starting to build. Fandral didn't notice her eyes widen in panic, as he was dropping feathery kisses along the rise of one breast. If that was all he had done, Loki would have remained comfortable. But suddenly the realization that Fandral would penetrate her body, he would fuck her the way that Natasha had... _No._ Her entire soul rebelled at the sense of wrongness.

Loki slithered out from under him and nearly fell off the bed. Fandral blinked at her in surprise and sat up. "Lara?" he asked, confused. "Are you all right?"

Natasha sat up, and Loki couldn't meet her eyes. She could barely speak, and could feel herself start to shake. Wouldn't Natasha be ashamed of her now? She had ruined everything.

Concerned, Fandral reached out to grasp Loki's hand. "Lara?"

"No," she exhaled, skittering backward and away from Fandral. "No, no, no, no..."

Now Natasha had worry in her eyes, and she gracefully moved to Loki's side after she tumbled off the edge of the bed, tears in her eyes. "What is it?" she asked, gently touching Loki's shoulder to get her attention.

"Andorra," Loki whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut. Tears slid down her cheeks, and she pulled her legs up to her chest, locking her arms around them. She rocked slightly, barely able to keep from sobbing outright.

That was enough to get Natasha rolling to her feet in a fluid motion. "I'm sorry, Fandral," she said in a soft voice. "Lara... There was a rough time a while ago. We thought she had gotten past it, but I suppose not."

Loki cracked her eyes open to see Fandral nod earnestly, Natasha's hand clasped in his against his chest. "No, no, it's all right," he was telling her, and Loki shut her eyes tight. The look between those two... She couldn't have that. She couldn't deserve that. 

What made it worse was Fandral kneeling on the floor in front of her, her dress in his hands held out for her. "My deepest, sincerest apologies," he said. He meant it, too; whatever else Loki would have said of him from their time on Asgard in the past, Fandral had always been a very honorable and loyal soul. "I would never do you harm, Lady Lara, please believe me." Oh, Loki knew that, and the words just made her cry harder. "Please. Let's get you refreshed, and let me escort you back to your quarters."

"The palace should be fine," Natasha told him, shrugging back into the top of her dress. "It'll look more natural that way."

"You don't look ill enough to say you retired early, and most palace staff wouldn't believe you if you returned because of your friend's illness."

"Good thing I don't give a fuck what they say," Natasha replied flatly.

Looking up in surprise and hiccupping, Loki caught the fierce glint in her eye and Fandral's amused expression. "Indeed," he said with a smile. He reached out to help realign the pins in her dress, artfully draping the folds back where they had been. "Well, then. Let's get the Lady Lara comfortable and safe, hm?"

Natasha's expression softened. "Thank you for understanding."

"Some other time, if all is well," he said with a shrug. "If not... Well, the evening started out on a grand note."

"Head back to the wedding. I'm sure plenty of other widows await their chance."

Fandral laughed and started retrieving his clothing from the other side of the bed. With shaking fingers, Loki tuned out their easy banter and struggled back into her kirtle and dress. She was a mess, she kept thinking. This was awful, terrible, horrible, disgusting...

It was shock that had her startling badly at Natasha's touch. But she fixed the parts of Loki's dress that refused to line up, and she gently got her slippers back on her feet. Natasha's fingers lingered on her instep for a moment, until Loki met her eyes. "You're all right," she said, voice firm. By the Tree, it was her domme voice. Something in her stopped flailing with panic at the sound of it. Natasha was here, Natasha would make it okay, Natasha would make all of the fears less important.

Somehow, Loki managed to walk with them back to the palace. Fandral kept up some kind of monologue that was meant to be distracting and lighthearted, but Loki wanted to cringe. She doubted herself for using the safe word. She'd never used it before, ever. Not even the time when she had really wanted to, trapped and in pain as the venom started to work its way through her body—no, bad thought there. The memory just brought on more silent tears, a deeper ache in her chest right where her scarred flesh was. _Weak._ She was so fucking weak, so fucking pathetic. How could anyone want her? How could anyone ever think she was powerful or worthwhile? How could _she_ believe she was worthwhile?

Loki seemed to come to when Natasha forcibly sat her down on the edge of the bed. Looking up into Natasha's concerned face, she burst into tears again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I shouldn't have said it, I ruined your evening, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Natasha grasped Loki's face in her hands firmly until she calmed. "You used the safe word."

"I shouldn't have, I'm sorry," Loki gasped, tears coming again.

"You meant it."

"It's stupid, I shouldn't have done it." Loki started reaching up to touch Natasha's hands, but then she faltered and let her hands fall. "I ruined everything."

 _"You meant it,"_ Natasha said, voice firm. "So it stopped. No questions asked. You don't have to do whatever I want all the time. We weren't in a scene, either."

Loki gulped, her entire body shaking. "I couldn't... I couldn't let him... I can't... He can't..."

"He was going to fuck you," Natasha said, no emotional inflection at all. Loki couldn't tell from her expression what she was feeling either, and she shook with fear. She didn't know why she was afraid, but suddenly it was as if she was back in that inn, Fandral's body draped half over hers, the feeling of his cock along her thigh making her feel almost nauseous. "That's what did it, wasn't it? It was fine if it was just his mouth, just his fingers. But if he was going to fuck you..."

Shuddering, Loki pulled from her grasp and tried to wriggle away. She had to hide, the shame was too great. It didn't matter that Natasha wanted to understand it, that she was trying to pull her back to talk. Loki couldn't bear it. The dress tore, and dimly Loki remembered times as a man when he had done similar things as a threat. Asgardian culture prized their warrior males, after all, and while he would never actually rape conquered foes, he hadn't been above threatening that kind of behavior, either.

Feeling sick, Loki crashed to her knees and sprawled across the floor. She sobbed, shame burning through her. The torn top of the dress made it flutter down, exposing the kirtle. That did nothing to hide her breasts, and again she was reminded of all the horrible things she used to threaten others with, the way she had baited those who were unable to fight back. She had even threatened Natasha and Jane with the same. And had that been done to those helpless Healers who had tried to go to the mines? Had any of the jarls or karls been abused in such a way before they had been torn to pieces? Nausea hit her, bile in her throat.

Natasha squatted a few feet away, watching her retch dispassionately. _"Ergi,"_ she guessed, no inflection in her tone.

Loki shut her eyes and tried to remember how to breathe, but all that could come out of her lips was a repeated "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

This was all her fault. This wasn't her fault. There could be no balance, she could never be good enough to erase all the gushing red she caused.

That fucking ledger. It was going to kill her someday.

It was a shock when Natasha darted forward and caught her breasts in her hands, pinching her nipples between thumb and outside of her forefinger. _"Stop,"_ Natasha commanded, irritation in her eyes. That only made Loki begin to sob again. "Never apologize for using your safe word, Loki. That's what it's there for. It doesn't matter why you need to use it when you use it. We figure it out later, so I don't put you in that situation again."

"B-but you can f-fu-fuck me," Loki stuttered, still sobbing. The pain in her nipples certainly got her attention, but it wasn't truly painful. Still, it was a distinct relief when she let go. "It doesn't hurt me when you do it."

"But then, I'm a woman. I don't have a dick of my own, do I?"

The crude language shouldn't have been as startling as it was. Loki shook her head wordlessly.

"So I'm still safe, to a point. It's fake. You can tell yourself we're just playing, you're letting me have my way. That's what the deal is for, after all. I only take what you allow me to have, and you can still feel in control. It's not real, it's not flesh and blood. But you know him. You've known him a long time, and you know he's real. You know he would've fucked you, and you would've liked it just as much as if I did it, and you can't lie to yourself about that."

Loki sobbed again, bringing her hands to her mouth. "I... I can't," she sobbed, looking at Natasha beseechingly. "I can't do this, Natasha," she sobbed. "Pl-please, I can't do this, I can't be this for you. I can't..."

To Loki's utter shock, Natasha wrapped her arms around Loki and pulled her against Natasha's chest. Her jewelry pressed uncomfortably against Loki's cheek and chest, but she ignored that pressure. "I never ask you to be something you're not when you're with me," Natasha said, rubbing her back in a soothing manner.

"Yes, you do. The ledger, wanting me to be strong, wanting me to be like you... I can't, I can't do it, I don't know how. I don't know what to do."

"You _say_ that you don't..."

"No, I really don't. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't belong anywhere, I have nothing now. I know I did it to myself, but..." Loki choked back a sob. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so, so sorry, Natasha. I wish I could take it all back. I never cared about the ones I hurt, it never seemed important before. Those karls we found... it's real now. It's _real,_ and I don't know what to do about them."

Natasha shushed her and rocked her gently. Loki couldn't help but start sobbing uncontrollably, longing for an impossible moment that she could be everything that Natasha wanted or needed, that she was _good,_ that she wasn't so broken and empty inside. All she could do was cry and keep apologizing, until at some point she exhausted herself. _I wish you could love me,_ Loki wanted to say, but she couldn't bear to say the words aloud.

She knew the feeling wouldn't be reciprocated, and she didn't deserve it anyway.

It wasn't until the next morning that it all made a sick kind of sense.

Loki shook when she realized what must be happening to her body, why she was so overly sensitive to comments and touch and _feelings,_ these base things she had always looked down upon before. Natasha looked up when she made a soft choking sound, and put down the book she had been reading. "What is it?" she asked, looking over at Loki from her seat in the library. Instead of answering immediately, Loki cast a silencing spell around them, to be certain that no prying ears could hear them. That made Natasha frown, but couldn't be helped.

"I think I will go soon into a breeding phase."

Natasha gave her a blank look. "What?"

"Being here, surrounded by the women of the castle... I'm female now. I haven't yet cycled, but I can feel my body changing. Not to resume my prior form, but to be receptive to conception. It's the purpose of unions here, after all." Loki repressed the urge to laugh hysterically. She had never planned for _this,_ but it was perfect, was it not? This could be her tie to Natasha, one that could never be severed. This would be the way to link them for all eternity, to bind her more closely, to keep her loyalty. Natasha might never _love_ her, but she could care for Loki, and she would definitely care for their child. She could do something different with a child, be someone different. She could be _better,_ finally someone worthwhile and worthy.

"What are you talking about?" Natasha asked, putting her book aside.

"I can have your child," Loki said softly, lips curling in the corners a little. A longing took root in her chest, a fierce joy at the thought of belonging to someone. "It would take quite a bit of _seidr_ and manipulating the _spá_ to make it happen, but it could happen. I could bear your child."

Loki, in her growing excitement, didn't initially notice how still Natasha was. But she wasn't responding to Loki's words, and finally it sank in. "You don't want this," Loki murmured, trying not to let her devastation show.

"Why do you?"

Nearly growling in frustration, Loki stared at her. "I would give you life. Creation. Is it not good? Is it not wonderful?"

"For who?" Natasha asked, no inflection in her tone.

"Why? Would you rather carry our child, then? Should I work to heal you, undo the damages done to your body so you could—"

 _"Stop,"_ she commanded, voice harsh and a fierce look coming over her face. Loki was almost frightened of that expression.

"Wouldn't it please you?" she asked in a soft voice. Hearing Natasha condemn this idea hurt, though Loki couldn't have said why. Didn't she want a tangible tie between them? How else did she mean to claim Loki and show Loki's claim on her?

"No, it wouldn't." Natasha put the book aside and stood. Her forbidding expression nearly made Loki cringe. "Neither of us are fit to be parents, Loki. A child isn't something you create when you're bored and give away when you're done with the idea."

Her mother died to allow her to live. Loki had willfully walked away from the one child he had helped to create, leaving it up to Hel and Frigga to save the dead infant. Loki didn't know how to be responsible, but she was willing to try. Didn't that count for something?

"I know you said you're not maternal—"

"As have you."

Loki flinched and bit her lip. "Then what am I to you? What claim do you make on me? Could I make on you? I could do this if I tried, I know I can. I could even be _good_ at it, I could be someone." She held back the floodgates of emotion that threatened to spill. "Why did you bring me here, Natasha? Why keep me beholden to you?"

"Are you really beholden to me?" Natasha asked, voice cool. "I've never asked you for that outside of our bargain."

The deal, the ledger, the bargain... Everything between the two of them had been so carefully negotiated, and right now it felt binding in an uncomfortable way. Loki wanted to break free of the roles they had created for each other, and she wanted to break something or someone so badly she ached with it. She could push Natasha down and fix her body, let it be fertile and able to bear a child. She could simply take the genetic material she needed and create the child herself, push it into her waiting womb and let it grow for the cycles it would need to be fully developed. She could. She _could._

But she wouldn't, not if Natasha condemned the idea so.

Loki turned away, her eyes shimmering with tears. Damned hormones. Damned body. Damned weakness and loathing and desires she couldn't control.

"What's bringing this on?" Natasha asked. Though Loki didn't want to turn around to look at her, she could almost imagine her brows furrowed in thought.

"It's nothing," Loki said, standing. She couldn't face Natasha and still maintain her dignity, so she didn't try to. "Forget it. Just conversation."

"Nothing is ever _just conversation_ with you," Natasha disagreed. She reached out and pulled Loki closer. "Something has been nagging at you for weeks, but you've never said a word and I've been waiting. What is it?"

 _I don't know,_ Loki wanted to say. _Something strange is happening, it's more than just the breeding phase, it's more than just being female. It's bad enough that that's the case, but I don't know what it is._

Instead, she remained silent. "It's nothing," she repeated firmly.

"It's not nothing."

"Yes, it is," Loki told her, using her best haughty tone. She could feel herself crumbling on the inside, but it was nothing she could put into coherent words. It was crushing disappointment, a sense of wrongness she couldn't explain.

Being here hadn't helped at all. It wasn't home, it wasn't familiar, it wasn't wanted. She truly had nowhere to go, nowhere to belong. Her hiding places along Yggdrasil might not even feel comfortable any longer, and she was afraid to see if that was true.

"C'mon," Natasha said suddenly, rising to her feet. "We're heading out."

Loki followed her, unsure what the plan was going to be. The twisting maze of corridors ultimately let them out onto the training grounds of the palace. Bernhardt was startled to see her at an unscheduled time, but remained silent. Seeing Natasha making a beeline for the swords and elaborate knives, most of the students in the lot backed out of the way. She tossed a sword at Loki, who caught it by the hilt easily. "Natasha—"

"Shut up and fight," she said sharply, almost but not quite her domme voice.

All right, then. She could follow that command easily. It drove the worry and fear from her mind, let her simply focus on movement. Natasha attacked fiercely, as if she wanted to cleave Loki to the bone. Loki had to adjust quickly to the heft of the sword, a bit heavier than she normally liked to use, unless it was simply the feminine decrease in arm strength that made it seem heavier than usual. She hadn't really tried practicing in this form at all while Natasha was away, and she could feel the strain in her muscles. It took a moment to realize that the warriors gave the two of them a wide berth, watching with wide eyes as Loki had to swing the sword around to block Natasha's vicious downward swing.

"You haven't been telling me everything," Natasha said in Russian, which threw Loki for a loop for a moment. "Not what you've been thinking or feeling."

"You never said I had to," Loki replied in halting Russian, realizing she didn't want the others to understand the conversation. She couldn't help but grin maniacally as she blocked the next heavy swing. Tricky Natasha. Give Loki too much distraction, and she might let something slip that she didn't want to.

Natasha spun around, sword out and angled to slice across Loki's stomach if she didn't block the swing in time. Loki got the sword up, and remembered Natasha's unholy love of coming in far too close for comfort during fights like this. She ducked in close, catching a fist to the jaw for her trouble, but did get her sword up and slicing into her arm. "First blood," Loki said, forgetting herself and speaking in English.

Bringing her knee up, Natasha changed her grip on the sword and brought it swinging around to slice into Loki's back. "You might not have to tell me everything, but you _know_ it's the only way to really give you what you need," Natasha snarled in Russian.

"Are you _angry_ with me?" Loki asked in surprise, managing to use Russian again. She jerked away from the wound and staggered away from Natasha.

"You'd know if I was angry," she said, Russian syllables grit out harshly. "But I am annoyed, because you're making my job harder than it has to be."

"I thought you knew me," Loki replied, remembering to keep to Russian. She skipped backward, holding the sword in front of her in a two handed grip.

"What are you hiding, Loki?"

"There are things I cannot say and things I _will not_ say." The swords clashed, thrust and parry, swinging back and forth as if they wanted to lop off each others' arms. "I _cannot_ give you everything you ask for!" Loki finally grit out. "I don't know what you want from me when I get nothing in return from you."

"You have our deal," Natasha grit out, sweeping down and catching Loki in the thigh she didn't guard well enough. Her own arms had a few more slashes by now.

 _"I want more than that,"_ Loki cried, tears springing to her eyes unbidden.

Natasha kicked her in the chest, sending her sprawling across the practice floor. Now there was no need to feign the wheezing or tightness in her chest. "Love is for children," Natasha said quietly, still in Russian. She threw her sword onto the ground and held a hand out to help Loki to her feet. "You know that."

"I can't help but still want it," Loki replied in hush tones. "I don't deserve it, I can't have it, but I still want it."

"Don't deserve may be too harsh," Natasha said quietly. "You can still earn it."

Loki shook her head as she grasped Natasha's hand and let herself be pulled up to her feet. She ignored the whispering of the warriors and the sound of an approaching messenger. "Not from the one who matters most."

"Perhaps you should look for one capable of such things."

"Aren't you?" Loki asked quietly. "Your friends say you're capable of such kindness. You've even given me a chance I shouldn't have."

She was scraped raw from the inside out, an exposed nerve. This was the most vulnerable she had left herself, and Loki could see in Natasha's expression that she knew it. Should she want to destroy Loki's soul, she could do it. She wouldn't, it didn't seem to be her way, but she _could._ Loki was all but kneeling at her feet with her throat bared against the blade of a sword. Loki wanted and needed Natasha to be proud of her, and not just in bedroom sessions for allowing herself to be twisted and warped and pushed past limits. She needed to belong, to have a home somewhere, to be wanted for herself and not because she was an object or spoil of war, not out of pity or some kind of obligation.

Whatever Natasha was about to say was interrupted by the messenger running into the practice arena. Bernhardt frowned at the young man, visibly disheveled and shaken. Before he could even ask what the problem was, the messenger thrust out a staff that was frighteningly familiar to both Natasha and Loki. "This was found near Lord Thorin's stables when his sons were clearing out the estate," he said without preamble. "Maeginbiorn didn't make it, and wanted me to bring the staff to you to examine."

Natasha was striding forward as Loki made a soft choking sound. _No. Not here,_ Loki found herself thinking, a tremor rolling down her spine.

Bernhardt looked to her intense expression. "You recognize this."

Nodding, Natasha took the staff from the messenger. Without a word, she whipped it around and shot a laser blast from the end of the staff and hit the center of a target across the courtyard. She gave Maeginbiorn a grim look. "This is a Chitauri weapon, the same kind they attacked Midgard with." Lowering her arms, she looked from Bernhardt to the messenger. "Tell Maeginbiorn to start crafting more weapons and armor, especially those that can repel energy." The messenger gave her a frightened nod and then ran off in the direction he had come.

Loki approached Natasha, keeping a wary eye on the staff. "They can't be here," Loki gasped, shivers growing more intense along her spine. She hadn't wanted it to be true, hadn't wanted to feel the icy presence of the Other or Thanos ever again.

Natasha's impassive mask was in place, and she simply held onto the staff as if it was an ordinary one. That didn't decrease the panic threatening to overtake Loki. Asgard was supposed to be safe from them. The Chitauri hadn't even known about that realm, had their home in a distant part of Yggdrasil and had been decimated when Tony Stark threw that bomb into the portal.

But then, decimated was not obliterated. And Thanos craved death.

"If the Chitauri is involved in the abduction of the jarls and karls, there's going to be a lot more death and destruction," Natasha told Bernhardt. "You're going to need to step up the training that you've been giving your men."

"I have orders from Odin."

"To train the men. Not how."

Bernhardt blinked. "How did you know—?"

"He wouldn't be concerned with specifics, as long as it's done," Natasha told him grimly. "And having fought them, I can tell you how hard they hit. They don't care who they kill or who gets in the way. Your men are going to have to be ruthless and strike hard."

Natasha finally turned to Loki. "And we're going to want to call in more help. Whenever they come, palace guards aren't going to be enough." She touched Loki's arm in a firm yet comforting gesture. "They won't take Asgard. We'll stop it."

We would be more than just her, Loki and the palace guards. Loki knew she meant that she would call in the Avengers, perhaps some of her friends from SHIELD.

As much as Loki should have felt insulted on behalf of Asgard's finest, she was relieved. She didn't want Asgard destroyed. She didn't want the people harmed. Seeing others suffer up close had driven that point home.

This might not be her home anymore, but she would do everything in her power to help save it.

The End


End file.
